Two-way mirror (Journal)

Dumping a bit here

I have been seeing a therapist for a year now. I have not told anyone in my life about this. I am terrified of people finding out, when I am on my way to an appointment, I am anxious that people will see me and ask where I am going, and that I will have to make up a lie.

My therapist tells me a lot that I have to open myself up to people. I really struggle with this. I feel like I am constantly being judged by everyone around me, and that the 'real me' will be judged as unlikable and lacking, so I hide it and close myself off from everyone. The irony is that this makes it so I can never form a genuine connection with people and leaves me feeling even more lonely. I crave a genuine relationship more than anything, though I would never admit that to people.

Work has been stressing me out a lot recently. I have been asked to cover for someone in a different area whilst they recover from a surgery. I have not done this job in a few years and I do not feel confident in my abilities. Every thing I do I am doubting myself, I worry that I will not be able to hit targets and that it will reflect poorly on me. I worry that people will think of me as useless, like I often think of myself. I find that I am getting really agitated really easily, my jaw aches and my teeth hurt from where I am clenching my jaw due to the stress. The rational part of my brain is telling me to not worry, that I am doing a fine job and that I care way too much about something that no one else does, but It just doesn't sink in.

I wish I had said no to this, I wanted to say no to it but I really struggle with saying that as well. I feel like I am letting people down.