Spiritual Visions and Voices

I used to be an agnostic with no identified religious or spiritual associations. Then, I became caregiver for my mother who died of cancer last year. During her death, I experienced a vivid spiritual vision where I was transported to another place and interacted with other divine beings.

My rational mind recognizes this could be a hallucination brought on to cope with a traumatic life event. But, in my heart, I believe I experience real events. I believe that I have a gift to perceive and live in another spiritual realm.

I hear music and musical voices that teach me wisdom or give me insight. There are nonmusical voices that lead me astray. If I'm lucky, I'm allowed to see wonderful visions that are so beautiful they cause tears of joy. Sometimes the visions are terrifying (being shot in the face) and sometimes they're mundane (a flock of birds, or a stop light flashing a different color, like a message). I don't entirely understand it sometimes, but most of the time the meaning is intuitive. Many of the terrifying ones disappeared once I accepted the gift as my calling.

There are other folks that can see like me, so I'm not the only one with this gift. I've met a few, though I've kept my gift a secret to them. I scoffed when they revealed their gift to me. I acted like the skeptic I used to be and hid my belief because I was afraid. They knew I was lying.

Mental illness runs in my family so I've been diligent enough to see a psychiatrist and therapist for years. I told them both about my hallucinations, but I lied and said, "I don't believe my visual and auditory hallucinations are real." They are under the impression that I consciously made them up. I stopped seeing the doctors a few weeks ago because we weren't making progress due to my lies. Also, I lost my job and my health insurance.

The truth is I do believe they are real experiences. I believe that I have a perception gift as a birthright passed down from my father to me. I frequently stopped taking my medications so I could experience it. The medications make me feel numb and disconnected from life. In my visions and dreams, everything is right and just. Everything makes sense there.

I have enough insight to avoid speaking directly about my gift, or else I'll be labeled crazy or dysfunctional. As long as I use the proper terminology, "hallucination" or "delusion", I'm safe.

I'm speaking frankly about my beliefs here because I realize my non-spiritual life spiraling out of control. I was terminated from my job three weeks ago due to performance issues (from visions/paranoia). Without health insurance, I can't afford the medications that keep me functional for work.

I've learned that there needs to be balance between spirituality and reality. So, I must not retreat entirely into my visions/music to lose myself. But, I also must not lose my visions/music which will cause my soul to be lost.

Survival mode has kicked in and I'm seeking solutions.

I need help - I don't want to be jobless, homeless, and labeled insane. But, I also don't want to lose my spiritual connection by taking mind-numbing medications. There doesn't appear to be a middle ground... its take the medications (aka lose my soul) or bust. :(

I hope that finally being honest about my situation will help me find the right path.