Self Contained Walls: My Diary

It's late December. New years eve approaches, so I guess. I open my eyes slowly as I stare at my dark bedroom wall. Time and time again awaking in darkness. I brush my fingers over the wall as I watch the static dance around. After laying for awhile, I gather up the energy to sit up in bed. My still hazy head, narrowing my gaze towards the small crack of light seeping under the door. I should get up soon. I should get up soon. I should get up soon. I should... get up soon. But I do not move. Seeing the light flickering under the door is my indication of the passing time. Finally I get up and start to make slow steps towards the door. Suddenly I am caught off guard by a flash of images in my head. Frozen in my tracks as I try to shake off this clear and graphic imagery. Right.. My family members are out there. In that moment I feel like such a horrible person for having these unwanted pictures of them in my head. I don't want to see my family like that. I don't want to see them. I don't want to see them. They'll know what I'm thinking. I don't want to hurt them. I don't want to hurt them. Thoughts swirling in my head at the same time. It's overwhelming. Before I realize it I had been intensely shaking and turning the door handle. I don't want to see my family like that. I don't want to see my family like that. I'm horrible. I'm terrible. I'm violent. I'm monsterous. I don't want to see my family like that. My thoughts racing. I take a deep breath. Try to hold myself together. Calm down. They can't read my mind. I won't do anything to them. Through my pacing, stirred up vision it takes awhile. I take another breath. Hold onto the door handle and slowly open the door. Being blinded by the light of the hallway. I slowly step towards the washroom. Standing at the door frame focusing on myself in the mirror. My pale, strange reflection; bending and warping into another being. I look to the wall to the right of me. Slowly the ink becomes clear. "RUINED THEIR LIVES. YOU MONSTER." I can feel my pulse racing. I try to shake these things off. Well.. I suppose I'll make some tea for everyone. It's been stressful lately. I should have a chat with them, if possible. Although with these interruptions between us, it makes it difficult to be around anyone. I did end up having a tea and chat to them. It took a lot of energy. I am very tired. I'm not very comfortable writing out much. But maybe if I can say a little bit, someone out there will understand. I tend to avoid people because I'm afraid to be around them. I feel like they can read my mind and that they'll think horribly of me. Even if that is not true. It makes me incredibly anxious. It takes all of my energy day to day. I'm stressed out. But somehow I'm making it in this broken life. Even if I am barely getting by. Just want to say how nervous I am to post this. It's my first time opening up about it.

Self Contained Walls Entry 1: Exposure

I'm going to put a trigger warning just in case. I have a lot to write about. I've been going through so much lately. It's been overwhelming to the point my cold has returned once more. I feel horrible. Maybe if I get this off my chest it will help a little bit.

*TRIGGER WARNING AHEAD SENSITIVE MATERIAL*

Parasitic voices mingling together. Leeching onto my life. They squeeze from within, eating away at what's left. They know all of my biggest fears. They know all of my weaknesses. They are slowly absorbing all of my energy. Feeding away at my rotting heart. They won't stop until they gain control of my body and my mind. I feel them slowly wiggling underneath my skin. They tell me I am worthless. They tell me I am slowly killing my family. They tell me that my family is going to harm themselves because of me. They tell me that my family is trying to get rid of me. They blame me for everything. They feed believable lies in my fragile state. The worst part is how much I really do believe them. Sometimes I can't bear the guilt and shame I feel. I feel so guilty for my relatives leaving us. My family calling us dirty and disgusting people. Being too afraid to come near us. Never wanting to see us again. It's all my fault. I broke apart my family. My family became ill because of me. They slowly are fading away and it's all of my fault. It's all of my fault and it hurts. It hurts so incredibly much. All of this pain sinking my broken heart further into darkness. As more and more holes fill me from inside out. I'm trying to fight it. All of the lies. All of my fears. It's so difficult every day by day. This is all I can write now because of this pain.

Self Contained Walls Entry 2: Lies, Lies, Lies.

Am I a failure if I don't think the therapist helps me that much? I'm still trying my best. I don't know where else to post this. Soon I'll keep trying and trying again. When the fight ends, the soul really ends with it, doesn't it? Trying to find help, helping yourself, overcoming all of your obstacles a little at a time. One by one it continues. We'll get there one day, on the other side of the fear. Even though now is very taxing on me. I'm doing what I can. Even if that's enough. We keep going down the pathway. Taking slow steps forward into uncertainty.

Another evening lying down. As I sit up, I'm still vaguely dizzy in this dancing darkness. Being tired and unable to get much done. My head spins around. We roll around once more. Will I have the words this time around? I'm all just a failure. The shell of a human being lay awake on this cold bleakness. Embraced by a sticky web of a shadow. I lay defeated this time too. I'm suppose to be writing in my journal again. I haven't got much done in the way either. I had a small meal. We remained motionless. I guess I really haven't gotten much done.

Step

By

Step

A creeping on my back. We're still taking it one day at a time.

Alone.

I've been ranting in all the wrong places all over again. Spamming, no one wants to listen or have time to listen to me anymore my family hates me, they dont want a relationship with someone like me who is nasty and full of mental health issues. I have a disorder in my neurological sense that i can't help but it's giving me a lot of obsessive compusions and that includes constant head research messed up in my brain field studies im not stopping I keep trying to drown my sorrows out drown them out drown them out someone in my head tells me that "Removing my eyes won't help me fix my life" But what does that even mean? I'm tired of the constant noise sensitivity I'm tired of avoiding people that I don't trust I'm tired of worrying people that I hate I am tired of getting into trouble for my constant "rude" behaviour I'm tired of my obsessions im tired of the noise I'm tired of playing detective here im tired of NO ONE HAVING TIME TO LISTEN TO ME ANYMORE!!!!!!!

My return.

It seems they have a cruel way of speaking of the future. Their voices replacing me inside of this empty skull. Just what am I truly made out of? I carry around an invisible darkness through my body. I can't avoid them as I am made of them myself. I am darkness. Everything and everyone who crosses my path is chained to a similar fate. It is the burden I carry with this energy. My blind future sight. I became one with a parasite, it is said even I have taken it's place. I question if I am truly alive or if life is a never ending illusion. Resounding and recounting those of past. Me the one baring fangs, and the ones subject to my endless wrath. The mark of the beast and the mask of likelihood. The return of a new day. My return back to these entries. Here, I am again. Back inside of invisible walls.

Self Contained Walls Entry 3: Solitary Return.