Secrets of my mind
I used to write alot years ago. It always seemed to help to get my thoughts on paper. I found this forum and thought it would be a good way to maybe get some input from other people, their thoughts, maybe advice. Who know's... welcome to my mind, the paths are a little twisted.
I know I need to do something because I feel like I am losing my freaking mind. My head is so screwed up right now. My emotions are just all over the place. Today it's more resentment and sadness.
The holidays are soon, I've been trying to get my father to come to my house for christmas dinner, it's only the 5th year in a row I've asked. Every holiday I ask...Easter, Thanksgiving, 4th of july. Nope, no can do. The reason, my mother is my neighbor and he doesn't want to see her. Even though she's not coming to the dinner.
I get so angry at her because this IS her fault. She left my father after 32 yrs of marriage for another man. So my parents hate each other. Why they stayed together that long is beyond me, it certainly wasn't for the "kids" as there is only me. And well, I have heard that if it hadn't been for me , well, they would have never gotten married in the first place.
She makes jokes, to me, about why he doesn't want to come. "what is he afraid I'll be sitting with a shotgun?" Her latest is to inform me that I've been replaced by his new girlfriends daughter. Which I can't help but wonder about that, because he goes to her school for morning breakfasts and musicals. He never did anything like that for me.
All this does is reinforce what I've known and felt my whole life. I am not good enough, I'm not pretty, I'm not supersmart with an amazing job. I don't have anything physically wrong with me, other then the scars. I can't help but think, they shouldn't have had me, I just took up space and their time. I didn't ask for them... Thank you for listening
I feel like an idiot for doing this. I mean, it felt good to let some of it out but I did feel like an idiot afterward. Still do. I had to go out today like as in out to the store, buy groceries for us and well, the animals like to eat too! There's other people out there though and they make me nervous. Just the thought makes my palms sweat, my heart races. Then to talk to everyone. I DO like people in theory I guess, but face to face sends my mind racing trying to figure out what they're thinking. Am I being polite, do I seem friendly enough, can they tell I'm having a bad day. And it's weird because I've never been hurt by a stranger, just family.
I think I'm making my husband weary. I know he gets tired of the bs. Never knowing what he's coming home to. I tried to talk to him alittle last night about what's going on in my head and I felt uncomfortable with it. I love him dearly but I don't trust him much. Because he lies, I've caught him in lies. I know that sometimes he thinks he's doing it to keep me from worrying but if he will lie about little stuff, what about big stuff? What if he only stay's with me because he feels sorry for me or just because it's comfortable and all his things are here.
He know's I have something wrong with my head but I don't think he understands the complexity of it. I can have 50 mood swings a day. I hate it! IGod I fucking hate it! Something can make me laugh one minute and then send me into a rage the next. Or the depression and panic attacks. There's nothing quite like a panic attack in the middle of washing dishes because you're afraid you're not going to get them done in time. In time for what I have no idea....or if he gets home before supper is ready. When I was a kid, dinner had to be on the table when my father walked through the door. I guess he would have starved if he had to wait 5 minutes.
My husband know's I used to SH and know's there have been attempts made, but that was years ago . I haven't made any attempts but I have SH. Just this week. I feel bad about it. Sometimes my head is just too full, my skin itches and I could just scream. And then afterward it's silent. For one tiny moment my head is quiet, just completely quiet and I can almost gather my thoughts. And then the guilt kicks in and the noise in my head starts. And I'm sad. Because I failed again. I always fail. I'm sorry. Thank you for listening
what had started out as ok day, and just exploded. What's the point, why bother, who cares anyway. My mother, god I hate her sometimes. She caan cut me so deep at times, lay out my chest and just cut the fucking thing out all ready. Get it over with. And I stand there like a fucking child and take it. I open my mouth and nothing comes out. Spit it out all ready you fucking idiot. Grow a back bone. In my family if we ignore a problem, it goes away. Except for me, I tried to go away but they stopped me. I don't have any stress, how could I, I don't do anything. There's nothing wrong with me that a good thrashing wouldn't have helped. And my aunt, telling her that she can't help how I turned out. Yes I know I am a horrible person. I know you know it, hell everyone does. I don't need reminders. Does making me feel like shit make you feel better about yourself. do I deserve it. yeah
and now the anger passes and I just feel so sad. what is it about me that is so wrong? Is it wrong to want love even just acceptance. I don't want to be perfect, but I don't want to be me either. just don't want to be anything. thank you for listening
i tried to talk with my mother. Again. Explain why I'm stressed. She doesn't believe I have anything wrong with me. BPD is just a figment of my imagination. The depression is just a choice. The suicide's and cutting just me looking for attention. our talk didn't go well and I walked away. She said she used to feel that way when she was with my father. She say's...so I got a new man. That's it, maybe you need a new man. I just looked at her and asked why would you say that? I can't believe you said that. She just shrugged. I walked away. Should've punched her in the mouth. I've been with my husband for 21 years, he puts up with a lot of shit from me. Why would she say that? She married a lazy drunk. And this is just one more thing I have to keep to myself. I can't tell him. I just don't understand why someone would say something like that. The man built her 2 barns for free! She just had to get some nails. I just don't understand....
