Rotten apple
Im Lisa...Hi, My problems seem small compared to what ive read other people endured here on the site.
Is it even fair that i felt better after reading that stuff? It actually made me realize I haven't been through such distressing hardships as some, but is that unavoidable?
I will be looking around and working on my attitude caused by loosing control of my addictions to opiates and sex. They fuel eachother.
It all started out as fun and games but not anymore!! My worst problem is the heroin, but also alcohol and other drugs contribute to my anxiety, depression, my violenct outbursts on family and male and female lovers. "Who do i think i am" So managing emotional swings and cravings causes frequent panic attacks and I lash out. Im good at what i do at work but its easy supporting my heroin and sex cravings. Im a major royal bitch and I need to stop this mess i created.
How can i stop if i cant tell anybody?
Am i a hopeless case? K well, thats me🍎
Dam life feels so hard, but as i search for help i find little things that i believe are true and i must share.
Im here living but dont feel alive, i cant stand how i feel inside, i want to stand tall but yet i hide as i dispise all the lies and inability to cry
Weird hings about addictions...most have none, some have one, some few and some too many...
Maybe you will one day read an author called Frank Herbert who wrote the Dune books...
About the spice...once you control the spice and it no longor controls you it is a symbiosis...it fullfills its destiny and we live in control...
There are three types of addicts:
- The rare ones of us who have the inner power to quit...(pity science does not studythem for the benefit of us others...)
- Those who can not do anything but be victims....one by one by one...
-Some of us who can instead of slaying the dragon swallow and incorporate it in ourselves, learn to live with it like the feemen of Frank Herbert with the spice...
Whatever the adictions, your road and path to choose...
@greybones
Being alone with terrible ptsd on gaurd at all times on high alert in fear of fear itself stuck in mediocroty instead of fighting because i cannot control that part of my emotions and in order to remain free ive had to imprison myself and destroy my own abilities for potential retrobution. So my self inflicted mind bending misery is of my own design of a lock for which i have lost the key to allow life
@TartRipeApples
Same here...
Yes @greybones,
I realize that you and i share self inflicted fates, sealed by our own locks with honor standards and morals. But in good faith we have destroyed ourselves so we morn the loss of us together on a screen n instead of screaming
We forgot what real handshakes mean or hugs, or just hanging out by the water...reduced to virtual reality...ever so more caged, double victims...it is ok, let the villains live, why I dn't understand is why the reaper is soafraid of me...
Hi @greybones,
Yes the repeaper resists because we insist not using our fist in the mist of all this. So the reaper waits for our sealing our own fates as he rates our valued debates. So for now we must stay, how long, I cant say. But for today, we'll be ok.
@TartRipeApples
Hug you myfriend...😔😔😔and thank you...
Yes @greybones,
I will stand by you as we both wait or unril something great changes the way the paths change, unexpectedly can rearrange in some strange way putting smiles on our face. In this human race its a waste to turn-face, we must stand our place, on the ground we are bound, together...always and forever!😊
@TartRipeApples
Shields up and glazed eyes
We are the ones descending from great hights
If there is blood red...
With it I'll be fed...
Nice poem @greybones !
@TartRipeApples
Noo😶 but I thank you for the white lie and you inspire me to improvise...😶
@greybones
Shields up and glazed eyes
We descend from great hights
Wars waged, daily fights
Standing up for all our rights
Give us this day our daily bread
Well fed, filled with dred
Blood read, books instead
Storys of red and things said
Held back, cant get ahead
Yea, you write well and i can tell
Its helps us when not feeling well
Evil surrounding witches spells
Amulets that protect us from that hell
@greybones
BLACK WOLVES
Sing to me the weakness of them all
Give to me the answers to bring about their fall
Black wolf, I beg of you your cost
Cast all who stand as traitors into chaos and beyond us.....all
All cracks within their armor, bless me with them blemished irons tall
All wolf's legions rising to your call
Whisper to me dark eyes the answers that I seek
To crush all my betrayers, see them laid beneath my feet
Staring at the moon hearts weak, life's bleak
...and my victoms cant even speak
All that I will offer, all I'll ever be
I kneel before you, black wolf, please bestow these gifts on me
She upon the black wolf, give your sword to thee
Answer my the riddle of my enemies
I am your master, I am begging this of yee
Shower upon them chaos and swift anarchy
Black wolf hold me
Black wolf guide me
pull me close and sit beside me
Light the way or I cannot find thee
Turn off the moon oh so blinding
@TartRipeApples
Beautiful...obliging my master...warewolves...lupus canis erectus sapiens...
In honor, i used to believe
In my life I chose to lead
Upon those I've laid seed
Toward the unknown the unseen
I had it all and yet cannot be
Broken the chains to be free
Prayed on my bended knee
Wished under wise old trees
But i cannot cure life's disease
I cannot that I cannot see
@TartRipeApples
Indeed😔😔😔...
Sybololic self destruction
My last action on this earth
Goodbye universe
I cant reherse
Last ride in the herse
Last ryme and my last verse
I have this power to end this curse
Sparks might fly from the hearth
As my heart seizes to dispurse
Life ending pretends rebirth
It seems to me that the harder i try the harder it gets. Im overthinking everything and worrying extensively yet taking no action for the lack of where to start. Im filled with desire to move ahead but seems to be frozen by the fear to move without purpose towards a goal i cannot seem to set, so im full of regret and stuck in my own shit
Kept busy working towards progress on my path attempting to avoid the anxiety attacking me, it helped by staying busy and now im on step 315 :->
Why do people find a way to shrug off their responsibilities creating such sleepless nights for the weak? I'm weak, I fail to speak up to protect myself because im always avoiding confrontation. But then the pressure builds and i dont know how to explain the pain i feel as they just can say "no big deal". Its a crime against me and i dont want to cause them trouble but the crimes they commit i am fully aware of. Why do they push until you may be forced to expose them completely? Why do they chose to try to defeat me, mistreat me, always beat me out of what ever he can depleate me of so he can rise above?
So i feel low, and my brain works overtime to avoid discreatly. It aint easy, i dont want to be me.