Rotten apple
Im Lisa...Hi, My problems seem small compared to what ive read other people endured here on the site.
Is it even fair that i felt better after reading that stuff? It actually made me realize I haven't been through such distressing hardships as some, but is that unavoidable?
I will be looking around and working on my attitude caused by loosing control of my addictions to opiates and sex. They fuel eachother.
It all started out as fun and games but not anymore!! My worst problem is the heroin, but also alcohol and other drugs contribute to my anxiety, depression, my violenct outbursts on family and male and female lovers. "Who do i think i am" So managing emotional swings and cravings causes frequent panic attacks and I lash out. Im good at what i do at work but its easy supporting my heroin and sex cravings. Im a major royal bitch and I need to stop this mess i created.
How can i stop if i cant tell anybody?
Am i a hopeless case? K well, thats me🍎
Dam life feels so hard, but as i search for help i find little things that i believe are true and i must share.
Im here living but dont feel alive, i cant stand how i feel inside, i want to stand tall but yet i hide as i dispise all the lies and inability to cry
Weird hings about addictions...most have none, some have one, some few and some too many...
Maybe you will one day read an author called Frank Herbert who wrote the Dune books...
About the spice...once you control the spice and it no longor controls you it is a symbiosis...it fullfills its destiny and we live in control...
There are three types of addicts:
- The rare ones of us who have the inner power to quit...(pity science does not studythem for the benefit of us others...)
- Those who can not do anything but be victims....one by one by one...
-Some of us who can instead of slaying the dragon swallow and incorporate it in ourselves, learn to live with it like the feemen of Frank Herbert with the spice...
Whatever the adictions, your road and path to choose...
@greybones
Being alone with terrible ptsd on gaurd at all times on high alert in fear of fear itself stuck in mediocroty instead of fighting because i cannot control that part of my emotions and in order to remain free ive had to imprison myself and destroy my own abilities for potential retrobution. So my self inflicted mind bending misery is of my own design of a lock for which i have lost the key to allow life
In honor, i used to believe
In my life I chose to lead
Upon those I've laid seed
Toward the unknown the unseen
I had it all and yet cannot be
Broken the chains to be free
Prayed on my bended knee
Wished under wise old trees
But i cannot cure life's disease
I cannot that I cannot see
@TartRipeApples
Indeed😔😔😔...
Sybololic self destruction
My last action on this earth
Goodbye universe
I cant reherse
Last ride in the herse
Last ryme and my last verse
I have this power to end this curse
Sparks might fly from the hearth
As my heart seizes to dispurse
Life ending pretends rebirth
It seems to me that the harder i try the harder it gets. Im overthinking everything and worrying extensively yet taking no action for the lack of where to start. Im filled with desire to move ahead but seems to be frozen by the fear to move without purpose towards a goal i cannot seem to set, so im full of regret and stuck in my own shit
Kept busy working towards progress on my path attempting to avoid the anxiety attacking me, it helped by staying busy and now im on step 315 :->
Why do people find a way to shrug off their responsibilities creating such sleepless nights for the weak? I'm weak, I fail to speak up to protect myself because im always avoiding confrontation. But then the pressure builds and i dont know how to explain the pain i feel as they just can say "no big deal". Its a crime against me and i dont want to cause them trouble but the crimes they commit i am fully aware of. Why do they push until you may be forced to expose them completely? Why do they chose to try to defeat me, mistreat me, always beat me out of what ever he can depleate me of so he can rise above?
So i feel low, and my brain works overtime to avoid discreatly. It aint easy, i dont want to be me.