Please Help

Hello,

I dont know if I'm doing this 'thread' right but I just wanted to get off somethings from my chest here as briefly as I can in hopes that someone, anyone might help me (I'd be truly grateful). And please don't judge me.

I'm from Asia and I live in a Muslim, brown family. My life's already difficult as it is but my family makes it worse. I've been a good student all my life, and grades really matter in my family, and in this society. Lately, I haven't been doing well at all, and my mother constantly compares me to other students. Both of my parents are strict, conservative and are often critical of me. Recently, I've been going through a tough breakup or should I say breakups. Last year I had to break up with my bf because of my mother and that's a really long story. It was my first relationship and I became physical with my bf even though it was against my beliefs. He evoked those feelings in me, but I was constantly regretful, I still am. I started developing addiction to being physical with him, and started sneaking out, lying to my parents and taking risks to go to the places to be physical with him) When we broke up, he had some major faults. I was heartbroken and angry with him. To move on, I got into a relationship with a childhood crush (CC) with whom I already had a lot of history. I thought he was good for me and that our relationship would be healthier and innocent and it would heal me and bring back my focus towards my study too as he was a better student, but due to the new-found physical urges, I started taking risks and getting intimate with him too, at the same time I was feeling guilty and regretful towards my ex. At one point, my CC started disappointing me in many ways, he wasn't as expressive of his emotions, and I started comparing him with my ex in the physical regards. I was feeling very guilty to my ex because I was involved with another guy whereas he wasn't involved with any girl. Out of guilt, I confessed to my ex, and he started crying and being very emotional, saying how could I do such a horrible thing to him. He was already trying to get back with me since we broke up. And ultimately, I broke up my CC and got back with my ex. Fast forward to present, I had broken up with him once again because he started changing, and there were constant arguments between us, I started disliking him as he went on disappointing me. It just didn't work out at all. Throughout the time, I was in touch with my CC and because we know each other since childhood, I developed such a trust for him I'd confide to him everything. Even when I up with him, he was completely okay with it and understanding. And I know I was being selfish but I still wanted him to stay in my life. I'd always text him, say him everything but he started being cold to me after the breakup (as he should). My CC is now dating another girl and it hurts so badly that he is. He confessed to me finally that he wanted to move on from me completely and said many hurtful things to me. I had a problem with people leaving my life and he told me I deserved it. It hurt so bad I almost self h@rmed, and I told him that, then he was instantly regretful of hurting me. He said he wanted me to stay and I thought he still did care. Until I saw the very next day he was enjoying with his gf, and that hurt the most. That he could enjoy like that after hurting me. He said he wanted me to stay but out of pity so I finally cut him off. But now I feel so lonely and sad. I was sick the few days and that time my CC reached out to me but my other ex has completely forgotten about me & he didn't even care. And now, I have finally cut them both off but I feel so hurtful and lonely sometimes that I feel like going back to either of them even though I know they're bad for me and it was my fault I shouldn't have done what I did. But I was so confused and there was nobody there to guide me. Some people did tell me about my other ex but I didn't listen to the warnings and now I feel like he never even loved me. And it hurts because I wasted so much time now I'm struggling in my exams and might ultimately ruin my future because my A level exams is near and my preparation is so bad. I cant even focus in my study and keep crying and hurting.

I'm sorry if this is confusing but please help me or give me any advice to stop going back to my ex'es.

I'm constantly in need of some validation and I feel so unloved and lonely like I have nobody loving me. I knoe should be single and relationships are affecting me badly but still I feel so bad.