My jumbled thoughts
I guess I always tried to keep some sort of a diary in order to at least try and distance myself a little bit from some of my thoughts and feelings, hoping this would make it easier to deal with them on my worst days...
So I guess this is yet another try... If you have any thoughts, please do feel free to share. Any advice/ idea is welcomed. Thank you and keep on fighting, you beautiful human being!
I felt ok. I thought I was better. It's been almost a year without experiencing any truly horrible days, without panic attacks and depression episodes... But I guess any miracle should come to an end at some point or another.
I started last week with a good day. Sure, I just started my last year of UNI and I was (and still am) scared and anxious but at a decent level, you know..?
So I had this good day, I was really happy for once, really excited about this new debate class (even if public speaking is horrible for me, I was still enthusiastic to at least try it out), I went out with a friend to a folk concert... when everything crashed. My boyfriend called, saying he wasn't feeling well, claiming I don't try hard enough to help him because he was sad that day, a classmate called to tell me some teacher messed up a grade of mine, I suddenly felt a panic attack creeping up...
Here's the thing: a few years ago, when depression really made my life a living hell, every time I had a good day or something good happened or I was happy for some small, insignificant thing, something bad would ALWAYS happen soon after, so I got even more depressed, seeing as I somehow wasn't allowed to be happy. All I could be was miserable, and that's all I was. But then UNI happened, and I met my boyfriend and a friend who knew what depression and anxiety are and I felt supported, understood, loved. But things seem to be turning back to the way they were and I am scared!
Today was a bad day. I am sad and down and I don't want to fall into this wormhole again...but I don't know what to do to stop this from happening...
@BeautifulPeopld
Hi--I'm sorry you had such a tough day. I can totally understand why you'd feel panicked or really scared/anxious from what you're describing.
1) From what you've said, it sounds like your boyfriend is someone really special to you and it's helped so much to have someone like him who is supportive, loving, and accepting of you and your feelings. So, to have him call and say you weren't helping him enough, I can imagine a nervousness of, "What if something goes wrong with my relationship with him? I really don't want that to happen."
2) It reminded you of a few years ago when every good thing felt like it was followed by bad things. And you're scared of falling into that sort of feeling again where you feel worse and worse, and it's like there's something inside of you dragging you down a wormhole.
Something I like to do when I'm feeling really scared is just to find things that make me feel comfortable or safe... music I like, food I like, just lying under some blankets watching movies or TV shows I enjoy. It's like giving myself a hug and having a friend supporting me. "I know you feel really scared. It's okay to feel scared. Let's do something you like. Your feelings matter to me."
I hope you'll continue writing here. :)