My Little Diary

Today wasn't bad by any means, but there was an annoying argument that took place over dinner (real petty stuff, I wasn't really involved at least. Was between my mom and grandpa) that soured my mood a bit. But I quickly recovered from that. I managed to accomplish all the personal tasks and work goals I set out to complete today, so for that I feel immensely happy. It's normally a bit of a challenge to get things done, including personal hygeine stuff (I know this sounds gross, but surely at least one of you understands). I'm hoping I'm able to stay consistent with maintaining my personal hygeine and keeping my space clean, in particular. You never really think about how beneficial it can be to your mental health until you go through with it, and bam, you feel even a little happier, a little more accomplished, ready to tackle more goals ahead of you.

Speaking of goals, earlier today the phrase "long-term goal" came to mind and I froze for a bit until I took a breath or two and calmed down. Thinking too far into the future freaks me out, because I don't know what to expect or how exactly to plan for it. It's rougher when you're lower-income, so I usually only think of the near future moreso than far away from now. If that even makes sense? I don't know if it does or not.

I want to write one or two diary entries a day so I can keep track of everything on my heart. Sometimes I get lost in my own thoughts and brood, which isn't good. Having an external means of processing my feelings helps a lot with that, hence me starting up this little diary. But I think I already mentioned this when writing my first entry last night, lol, so...

There may be some things I won't write about in the diary itself, particularly if it's more sensitive topics. In those cases, I'll either reach out to a listener or the text crisis line if it's more in line with an emotional crisis. How do you even define a crisis? I've never felt like self-harming or ending my life or anything of the sort. But I've definitely had moments where I became super overwhelmed. Well in any case, I have a support network in place and I fully intend to make use of it as much as needed. I just worry if I'll become over-reliant or a burden. But I guess that's what a support network is for--to rely on.

Am I the only one who gets a little bit nervous when browsing listeners to talk to, or when contemplating being matched to a listener via Noni? The telephone ringing noise the site makes once you make contact with your listener nearly gives me a heart attack every time and I find myself wishing it made a more gentle ring to get your attention instead of the loud, harsh ringing that's currently used. Maybe I just feel like it's harsh and loud even if it isn't in actuality? Not too sure... I always worry that I'm gonna be a bother to the listener I end up talking with (whether chosen manually or via Noni). Sometimes I just feel bad without knowing too deeply why, and it makes it hard to open up about as a result. In those times I try to distract myself instead of reaching out to a listener, or I'll reach out to friends instead. At any rate, I wish I didn't feel so nervous when considering reaching out to listeners on the site. I know everyone is there to help and listen, but I always find myself thinking "maybe someone could use this more than me" even if that train of thought is goofy and doesn't make a whole ton of sense.

It's always fun trying to interact in the group chat environments. I like seeing what's going on, although I do admittedly find the more petty arguments/drama-type talk that ocassionally comes up a bit frustrating when we're supposed to be supporting one another and fostering a space that's welcoming to all. Granted I know we're all human, and sometimes we disagree or flat out won't get along (I certainly have people in my life like that), but this isn't the place for petty arguing and drama. :( It saddens me that a space that's meant to give us mental health boosts when we need it can have downsides like that. But then again, shit happens, so it's best not to think too much about it. Plus there are people who help diffuse those situations and make them better.

I like having a space like this in my life. While you could use sites like Twitter or Tumblr to blog about your feelings and vent, it's one thing to use a general purpose social media site to vent and process things, and it's a total other story to use a website that's made to be a resource for mental health, complete with the listeners and group chats and forums. It's lovely having this little corner to come to, for good or bad. Tomorrow, the 20th, will be my first week clean off social media. This excites me deeply and I can't wait to continue on the journey. I've been feeling the benefits already from even just taking a week off, but my goal is a full month or so. It's neat that while I'd typically be reaching to open Twitter on my computer or phone, instead I end up opening 7Cups instead, making progress in my Growth Path or hopping in group chat, or talking to a listener if I need that. It absolutely beats screaming into a void where I don't feel entirely heard sometimes. Not to mention the more toxic sides of standard social media sites... All the gossip and drama is really draining on the pshyce. If it's in this space as well, I haven't seen a ton of it, thankfully. When people are surrounded by people (whether virtually or in real life), disagreements and such are bound to happen. But I feel like, particularly on Twitter, the space can be very toxic and negative. I don't think the format helps either--rapidfire information firing at your brain at once, often a lot of bad news and scary things all over the damn place. Petty drama and the like only add fuel to that hellfire, which is what ultimately led to me setting some social media boundaries. It's a decision I'm sure I won't regret. I've been the most productive I've ever been and even taking better quality time for myself, too. What's not to love about that? I'm excited to continue on the break and use 7Cups even more.

If anyone out there is reading this diary of mine, I'm so happy you took time out of your day to read it. I know I tend to write big walls of text, but to be honest I think this style fits me best. I could do more posts with less text in them, but I am definitely a stream of consciousness type of person when I write, so I loooove to write up big walls of text like this. Plus, it's my diary, so I'll do as I please with it. :P Anyway, I think that's all for now. See you next entry!

So yesterday I got a bit busy with life and didn't quite have a chance to write a diary entry. I also may have realized a little too late, when I already got cuddled up in bed and then it hit me. To summarize yesterday, it wasn't awful but not as good as the previous day. I got irritable over some small stuff a few times, and I didn't make the work progress I wanted to. I was feeling pretty upset over my nasty habit of pulling my eyebrows and wanted to talk to a listener, but the ones I tried getting in touch with weren't avalible and I ultimately gave up on that. I ended up distracting myself instead in hopes of cheering up. It kinda worked, I guess... Overall, it was a really blah day. I wish it went better. On the plus side, though, I made some steps in my Growth Path, I did make at least some effort to get work started, and I accomplished chore-related stuff I intended to get done. So it wasn't as bad as it could've been. But it wasn't great either...

As for today, I guess it's been okay. Neither here nor there. To be honest, I made myself sad because the actual therapy side of 7Cups seems pretty affordable compared to other services but I don't make a regular enough income for it to be totally feasible at this point. I wish I could afford it reliably. The free resources here are already wonderful and helpful, but some stuff I'm struggling with would definitely be more reliably handled by a professional. But I guess that's something I can worry about more later down the line... It's definitely a bummer, though.

In happy news, I had a delicious dinner, had fun playing with my dog, and am intent on making better work progress today--I'm writing this entry right before getting work started, in fact.

So with that in mind, pardon the shorter diary entry, but I think today I'll do a followup post once I finish with work to report if things went in a more satisfactory direction or not. In the meantime, I feel like I gotta reach out to someone, so I'm gonna go open my heart a little and then get work done.

Here's my followup/update--I made the work progress I wanted to tonight, but I feel kinda sad after. Maybe 'cause I hoped to do more than I ended up doing, but I probably set a more impossible goal to accomplish. Thankfully I set an easier goal that I did manage to complete, so I guess it could've gone worse. But at this point, I'm exhausted and excited to complete this damn project. It's been going okay, but for some reason my motivation's kinda tanking and I just want to rest. This sucks. But I did make the progress I set forth to make tonight, so I shouldn't get too upset. It's definitely better than nothing. Plus there's nothing stopping me from making little steps at a time to ensure I meet deadlines on time versus looking at a huuuge, overwhelming picture of percentages and freaking out.

Today was okay, but emotionally I've been better. To be honest, as I'm writing this, I don't feel so okay. It feels like I'm headed back to that funk I was in earlier in the month. Maybe I never really came out the funk proper, who knows. I'm tired of work being a struggle. I'm tired of feeling emotionally drained. I'm tired of being so depressive. I hate being unable to get proper therapy. I'm so bummed out and wish I knew how to cope better. I have coping mechanisms in mind, but my mind feels so... foggy. Maybe that doesn't make sense, I don't know. Maybe it's time to reach out to a Listener. But I don't want to look stupid. How can I even articulate these things well enough to understand? Maybe I'm already doing that. I don't know. I'm too hard on myself, I have way too high of standards that I impose on myself, I know that much. I just feel so unable to deal. Stuck.

It's been so long since I last posted to this little virtual journal. Truth be told, in recent months I transferred over to more traditional means of journaling--pencil and paper. It's amazing to scribble my feelings down on paper, but I wanted to share a particular thought on my mind tonight that I was maybe hoping anyone reading this could share input on with their experiences, or at least have the comfort of someone listening to me.

It's a new year, and I want to take better care of myself. I've been struggling with anxiousness and depressive feelings for so, so long, and I think I'm finally ready to seek out therapy. But I'm kinda scared to, ironically enough... I fear opening up super raw and scaring off my hypothetical therapist, or saying the wrong things. Of course cost is a slight concern too, but if I check any extra spending that can be cut down on, I could probably somewhat manage that to an extent. It just seems like such a big step. I feel hesitant to take that first step... but I know at the same time, I'd really, really benefit from it. I need it. Self-help is fine, but I can't do this all on my own. I need proper care with someone else.

Overall I feel pretty optimistic about 2021, and cannot wait to see how things go.

Although I've shifted almost entirely to paper and pencil, traditional journaling, I wanted to share a goal I'm starting to accomplish.

I've spoken before about wanting to reduce my social media use, and today I FINALLY disabled all social media notifications on my phone and set up timers so that I can only go on the apps for a specific window of time a day. This, as a result, is making me more mindful about when and why I'm using the apps. If I feel bad, I try to replace opening an app with meditation or journaling on paper to get my feelings out. I can safely say my focus is amazing today, on top of getting everything done I set out to do.

Additionally, I'm finally working toward getting my license! I know it's a bit embarrassing to be working toward this goal at my almost-mid 20s, but late is absolutely better than never.

I'm also making regular use of 7 Cups once again, which is helping me feel more supported in my day to day life outside of my close knit group of friends. I love my friends dearly, but having a wider support system never hurts, as well as having self-care measures. I'm working toward becoming more emotionally independant, so to speak, as well as a little more independant overall with the driving goal. I can also more reliably do caregiving for my mom this way, too.

I'm feeling awesome today with all these small, gradual changes I'm making in my life recently.

Been a while since I last wrote a little entry here, but all I can say is thank god for the pomodoro method! Without it, I'd be so lost with getting anything accomplished. For the uninitiated, here's an awesome video that gives a rundown:

It's truly a fantastic way to keep steady focus on a given task (or multiple tasks!) and reminds you to take regular breaks, something I absolutely forget to do if left to my own devices...

I've been struggling with some financial stress lately, but I'm doing my best to keep on top of my workloads and save what I can/spend responsibly. I won't pretend like it's easy, but it's worth doing for sure. I know that I'm strong, resilient, and I know I can handle what life throws at me, even if it may be hard sometimes.

I've been using a few different mental health apps (in addition to using this site) to stay resilient and grateful for the little things, as well as keeping up with tasks I need to accomplish in a given day. To be honest, it's been fantastic. The main apps I use for self-care are Finch (a virtual bird pet that you care for by caring for yourself; you can write your goals for the day, reflect on your day, among other things) and Wysa (excellent for self-reflection and working through distorted thinking that may be eating away at you. It comes with a LOT of little exercises to help ground you, keep you positive with gratitude, and there's even a little Pause option which contains short, comforting meditations that take you out of your thoughts and into the present moment.) I love how effective they are at keeping my mind healthier.

I haven't felt I've had a ton of things to say here in this little diary lately, and a lot of that is in part to me writing my feelings in my journal and reflecting with those mental health apps. But I can share the nice things in my life here too, which I'd love to do more of.