My GAD/OCD Recovery Journey

Some of the stuff in my head...

Honestly, there have been times recently where Ive thought that I was crazy. Theres always so much rattling around in my brain and it never shuts up. This tendency has become worse as I get older. I find there is dramatically less space between my thoughts and my reactions to them, simply because I have so many thoughts. I want to capture what it feels like in my head at the beginning of this process so that later on, I can compare where I am now with where I will be in the future.

First of all, I worry about everything. Absolutely everything. Name a worry, I probably have or have had it buzzing somewhere inside me. I worry about sleeping and waking up, about school assignments and what Ill do with my free time, about the present, the past and the future...and its exhausting. I try to think positively and to reframe my thoughts, but it often feels like Im stuck in mental quicksand and cant pull myself out. Then theres the obsessions and compulsions. I didnt really realize I had these until very recently, but wow. I definitely have them. They tell me that I cant be sure if Im a good person, so I have to look up articles about horrible people and put myself inside their headspace to see if I believe what they believe. They also tell me that I cant be sure if God loves me, I cant do mindfulness because Ill focus on my breathing for the rest of the day, and I have to look away when people walk in front of me because I might be looking at their butts. Yup. Fun. I think one of my biggest worries is part anxiety and part OCD. Im a voice major in school and Im terrified that I will injure my voice. Im very scared to practice, I repeat vocal exercises over and over until the technique is right and I spend time scanning my throat for sensations that might be abnormal both during and after singing and speaking. I also research voice disorders...this whole fear takes up hours of my day. Many things came before it and many things will probably replace it, but it feels insurmountable right now. Learning that I have brain disorders that produce these patterns of thought, though, felt really liberating. I hope that Im able to get my life back from some of these fears through therapy and meds.

Giving my thoughts less meaning

Im being seen by an amazing social worker until I can get into long term therapy with someone who can address the issues Im dealing with. At our appointment the other day, she gave me the challenge of allowing my thoughts to be there without ascribing meaning to them. I dont know how to describe how hard this is for me right now. When I have multiple strands of thought that each feel like they are screaming their importance directly in my face, its nearly impossible to just exist with them. An added layer of complication is my fear of mindfulness meditation related to a sensory obsession. Every time I calm my thoughts by being in the moment I fixate on my breathing...which triggers a whole new set of thoughts. They plant themselves firmly in my face and then go crashing over my head. So Im trying to gain some distance by accepting their presence and the uncertainty that they bring...and I hope and pray that it will become more natural to me. Nighttime is the worst time for my brain right now. I cant distract myself at all unless Im on my phone, and if I fall asleep with my face in my phone the thoughts will quickly wake me up, asking Were you sleeping? Why arent you sleeping? and then telling me I should probably google whether one can die from insomnia. (If anyones reading this, have you also had experience with racing thoughts at night? How did you deal with it?) But in the daytime, I think its getting easier to live with this mind, and Im very grateful for that. The more I believe the idea that I can distance myself from my thoughts, the more hope I have for the future.

Better day today

I feel better today than I have in a long time. Last night I had a good sleep (was able to tell myself to live with the worries for long enough to drift off) and so Im better able to deal with life today. I have loads of schoolwork to do that my anxiety has been preventing me from getting done and I know that I could make a lot of good progress. Just have to stick with it and tolerate the fact that it may not be perfect...imperfection and error are struggles for me. I think today would also be a good day to write down some goals for therapy. First off...Id love to get my life back from my thoughts. In particular, I want to be able to do mindfulness again. I want to sing, and I want to study without doubting whether I like my major. If its not too much, Id also like to rethink my attitude towards mistakes...Id love to get rid of the thought that a small error on my part will cause me to make much bigger errors. And Id love to love myself more, and to convince myself that I love others. I hope thats not a tall order. It probably is, knowing me, but I want to accomplish it.

At my worst right now

I was doing so much better yesterday. Then I made a mistake on an assignment and spiraled again. I cant even articulate my thoughts around mistakes...they are so complex and there are so many of them. But it feels like if I make one mistake, I dont understand a concept and therefore I dont understand a lot of the course. If one part has an error all of the other parts degrade as they are supposed to be unifying. So it may be irrational to believe that one mistake leads to a whole bunch of other mistakes, but its the line of thinking Im stuck in right now. I think Im driving everyone around me crazy.

Doing something challenging... and being rewarded

Today I did something challenging...worked on my voice. I had a session with a vocal coach and had to confront my thoughts about damaging my voice, and do the things I was being asked to do anyway. Through this I came to an important realization. One of the things we talked about in the session is that the voice is complex, but also whole. You cant try to influence and check on all of the individual parts. Of course there will be tension in some places, but some degree of tension is necessary for it to work properly. What is helpful is not to continually check, but to instead focus on controlling what you can control. Im sure Ive heard this many times in different ways, but today it really struck me because it applies to so much of what Ive been dealing with. Life is essentially whole...thats what it is. You cant control individual parts of life, so you have to focus on whatever is in your control. Tension and anxiety are necessary parts of the experience of living and you can navigate through them. Certainly not a worry cure...but Ive spent my life fixated on specific parts and never seen the whole! So I guess thats my new goal...zoom out and see the whole...see everything for what it is without fixating on it.

Studying with a busy mind

Im studying for a final exam right now. Its a challenge, to say the least. My brain loves to keep me distracted by throwing out new worries and new things to hyper focus on and obsess about. Anything but the textbook. Unless, of course, Im stuck in a loop of rereading and wondering if Im concentrating enough. To combat this, Im trying a few things.

1) reminding myself that I love learning. Because I truly do, even though that love sometimes gets buried underneath my thoughts.

2) studying in manageable chunks, and incorporating motivators...going out for a coffee in 45 min!

3) the really important one and the most bitter pill to swallow...forcing myself to live with the uncertainty during the studying process. I have a cue card up on my bulletin board that says maybe its the right time to study...maybe not. Maybe I will learn this in the right way and the right order...maybe not. Maybe Ill do badly on this...maybe not. Those are terrifying reality for me to accept. Thats where the second part of this card comes in. It says but regardless, I want to work hard because I deserve success. Accepting uncertainty is something thats so hard to do from moment to moment...but its key to getting better and to achieving a healthier relationship with myself and my goals. So Im committed to doing it! I will try not to strive for control of things I cannot control.

Here we go...

So so many thoughts are racing through my head. Where to even start? Will I sleep tonight? Why do my eyes feel the way they do? Do I really understand this question? Am I feeling this way because Im faking my mental disorders? Am I damaging my moms health? Am I a bad person? Am I a selfish person? Do people really like me? Whats going on with school next year? I should check my email again (and again).

Thats just a random sampling. Im so exhausted...and I need to S T U D Y. My procrastination has become critical once again. So yeah. Not a good day. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Not a good day

My head is cloudy. There are so many thoughts that they feel undefinable. Sometimes my mental processes feel fragmented as I jump from one part to the other, unable to see the big picture. Other times my brain abandons thoughts as I know them in favour of some kind of deranged mental TV static...completely nonsensical. And Im wired and tired at the same time, which is never a good place to be. I cant concentrate. Im so sick of this. On Monday we talk about meds. Im willing to embrace mindless stupor. At least its a better state than this.

Grateful for the people who support me

Talks with my parents. Texts from friends. Being able to reach out to a therapist or to a listener on here. These all seem like small things, but I appreciate them so much. They go a long way to lift me out of anxiety. I got a package from a friend the other day and it truly made my day...made me feel loved. I am learning that feeling loved is one of my most important tools when I need to fight the viciousness of my mind. And Im so grateful for the people who have taught me that.

Summer break struggles

I dont know why I have so much more trouble with anxiety when I have a lot of downtime, but I definitely do. Im finally done summer school, and its a huge relief. But the thoughts were really intense today and I couldnt distract myself. No idea what to do.