My Diary

I want to have a place for my goals and to write down things I need to deal with and to track my progress with them.

Problems:

I think people are superior to me, my opinion doesn't matter, what I say is not important, do people value me?

I get jealous thinking my boyfriend will cheat on me as myself and my feelings are not important - there are many people who are better than me.

I get scared of meet ups unless I know them well. What do I say? Do they like me? Am I annoying? Did I say something 'wrong'? I don't fit in here, do they wonder why I'm here? Do other people wonder why I'm here?

I struggle to let emotions out. I can get upset and angry, but I do this in my head and it either gets pushed aside or it turns around on me and it turns into self loathing.

I want support, but I also don't like sharing my intimate details.

I feel people don't understand even when I open up, and don't want to out of fear of annoying them or making myself feel worse.

Solutions:

I don't believe anyone is better than anyone else on the whole. So why do I feel this way about myself? Everyone is different with different views. I need to apply my own beliefs to myself. I am good enough,everyone'sopinion matters. I won't please everyone, if people don't like or accept me, tough. As long as I'm not doing anything wrong, then it's simply a difference of opinionand not my fault.

He reassures me and I trust him. It's allmyself doubt. He's stayed with me for 4 years and he loves me. He doesn't understand my mental health, and accepts that he doesn't know how to help, but he wants me to get better. And nothing has changed, he isn't leaving, he lets me get things out and simply waits until I feel better so he can go back to acting how he knows how to act around me; naturally.

If I haven't offended anyone, what does it matter? Do people even remember those details that I remember? Will they even change anything? Does it matter if they don't like me?If I haven't done anything wrong, it's a difference of opinion.And likely, it's my mental health telling me things are wrong, I'm a failure and they don't like me. I can't please everyone, and it's just burning me out trying.

I have to do it. It's the healthy thing to do. I need to stop holding in tears, stop holding in rage, holding in positive emotions as well. It needs to be let out. I need to stop being afraid of being hurt, it's a part of life and all I'm doing is dragging it out unnecessarily.

People will judge me without the facts in all walks of life, this is no different. The only people who need to know about me are the people who matter to me. Scoff at others' ignorance.

If you haven't been there, you likely don't understand it. They care about me and want to help, and that is more than enough. Unfortunately that's hard to see when I'm so desperate to find a solution.

I like myself, but not when I'm around other people. Their opinions hurt me so much. I'm on the last step and I'm determined to do it. And I will do it. Everyday I will set myself goals and I will post on here if I managed it or not. I understand that this isn't something that is of interest to other people, but I need this. Not only do I need others' support, but I need my own. And I need to prove to myself that I can achieve things, I am good enough, I am worth it and I am valued. I will live and not just survive.