My Daily(ish) Journal

@Magnus333

I'm not having a great day today. My depression and anxiety are acting up right now and I'm trying to fend off a panic attack which is why I'm starting this journal. I hope the act of writing it down and getting it out of my head will ease my symptoms. Since I've joined 7 Cups I've found that writing and posting about my feelings and experiences has helped reduce my anxiety and depression immensely, so, I hope journaling will be the next step in finding healthy, long-term ways of managing these disorders. I've always wanted to have blog so that I could let everything out of myself into the world and I guess I'm starting that now.

When I started having panic attacks a few months ago I started to self-harm for the first time ever. I used to use food as a coping and escape mechanism, which could be seen as a form of self-harm I suppose, but, until recently I had never actually did physical damage to my body. Burning my arms with a cigarette lighter is/was my preferred method of self-harm. I think I've permanently scarred my arms in a few places from the burns.

It's not the pain itself that relieves the anxiety and depression; it's the act of hurting myself, of destroying myself, that gives me relief. Why do I engage in self-destructive acts? I'm not sure that I know. What I do know is when I used to binge-eat or burn myself it felt like I was letting go of life. It felt like I was letting go of all the pain, obligation, damage, joy, hope, desire, disappointment, despair, fear, everything. It felt like letting go of life and accepting death. It felt like a minor suicide attempt.

I've tried to commit suicide 5 times in my past over 2 decades. Each time before I tried to commit suicide I reached a breaking point where I could no longer hold onto life and everything that life entails. Each time I let go of life an indescribable calm and peace washed over me, and, that's what happens when I burned myself or binge ate. I gave up hope just for a little while and could let go of everything and have peace. It's the same feeling when I go to sleep. I let go of life and drift into the dream world and gain peace. Letting go of life is the only relief I get from life.

Life has never been good for me. I've never liked life. Letting go of life, quitting, giving up, feels like bliss. It feels like winning; like I've escaped a trap or prison that I've been forced into. It feels like I've successfully defied and defeated God and am giving it the finger. "I beat the survival instinct. I beat societal opinion and social pressure to live. I win. You lose. Fuck you." FUCK LIFE! I HATE LIFE! And I hate whatever force put me here, be it God, random chance, or some decision that I made before I was alive. I don't know how I ended up here and I don't care. I hate this place. This place is hell. It shouldn't exist.

I've never expressed these thoughts and feelings to another person before. I feels good, like letting off steam. I feel better. I feel calm. My anxiety and depression have dissipated for now. I think I'm over the hump and can rest easy before I go to bed.

Good night.

Journal entry #2

I don't know how to describe the feeling I've been having or why I've been having it. I'm ready to change. I'm not ready for change to happen to my life or circumstances; I'm ready to change. I'm not referring to my mental health issues or my life in general. I'm referring to my personality/ego/sense of self.

There have been plenty of times in my life when I've been fed up of my situation or life in general. When those moments occurred in my life I had the thoughts and feelings of wanting my situation or my life in general to change. That's not what this is. I don't want change to happen to my circumstances; I'm want and am ready for change to happen to me. I want to be different. I'm ready to be different.

I'm ready to be a different person, not because of my circumstances, but because I feel different. In the past, when I've tried to commit suicide, it was because my circumstances and mental state were so overwhelming that I would pretty much do anything to escape them. That's not what this feeling is. This feeling is different. It's not a feeling of frustration; it's not feeling of excitation; it's not a feeling of boredom, or anger; it's not a feeling of desire to escape. It feels like a feeling of having completed a stage in my existence, like I've accomplished what I needed to accomplish and it's time to transform into something new.

I have no desire nor plans to commit suicide. I don't have any particular desire to live or die. I don't really know why I'm having the feeling I'm having. All I know is that I feel that I'm ready to change. I'm ready to transform. I'm ready to be something else; not to escape; not to defy my beliefs or circumstances, but, because I'm simply ready for something new. I'm ready to be something new. I don't know what. I don't care what. I just know, to my core, that I've let go of who I was, whatever and whoever that is, and that I'm ready to transform into something and/or someone new.

Journal entry # 3

Something interesting happened to me a few days ago. At the time I was battling a mild but persistent anxiety attack. While I was trying to keep myself calm during the attack I was thinking about how I use/used self-harm as a method to escape my feelings. I thought to myself, "When I burn myself or binge eat I'm using those methods to run away from something.". I then asked myself, "What am I running away from?" The answer suddenly and clearly came to me, "I'm running away from something inside myself."

Instantly, as if a switch was flipped, my anxiety and depression went away. I'm still surprised about the quickness of it. It was literally instant. Having that simple realization that the source of my anxiety and depression isn't my external environment nor some bio-chemical imbalance was an amazing and freeing experience. I realized in that moment, and am still coming to terms with, the realization that I'm not powerless. I am not at the mercy of some horrible world or circumstance. In fact, it's the opposite. I'm in control. I have all the power in this situation and I always have. I decide. I decide whether or not to be happy. I decide if I feel miserable. I decide if I feel anxious. I decide if I feel hopeless. I decide if I feel hopeful. I decide if I feel happy. I decide if I feel complete. I decide if I feel fulfilled. I decide.

All the power is mine. All of it. My feelings and self-image are not outside of my control. I realized that my pessimistic outlook on life was what's been keeping me depressed and anxious. I realized that my negative outlook has been holding me down. I've been holding me down. It's not totally my fault; one of the abusers who raised me has always had a pessimistic outlook on life and people. Being raised in that environment pretty much brainwashed me into having the same outlook, but, that's not who I am. That's not me. The thing inside myself that I've been running away from from most of my life is my true self. I think because I was raised in an abusive environment that was so far from who I really am that I learned to reject my true self in order to preserve the pessimistic outlook I was taught to have.

Not anymore. I refuse to reject my true self any longer. I am not powerless. I am not a pessimist. I am an optimist. Everything is going to okay because everything already is okay. I'm okay. I have nothing to worry about. Everything is good. Everything is under control. I'm going to be just fine. My life is good. My existence is good. There is nothing but happiness waiting for me. I can rest. I can be at peace. I can be happy. I give myself permission to be happy. I give myself permission to be whole. I give myself permission to be at peace. I give myself permission to be fulfilled. I give myself permission to be powerful. I give myself permission to be who I truly am. I give myself permission to experience the whole of existence as a good, happy, fun, loving, welcoming, inclusive, joyful state of being. I give all of these things to myself. Forever. Let all of existence hear it. Let all of existence see it. Let all of existence know it. I give myself every good thing that there is to be and to have, for all of eternity. Period.

I know I have a long way to go and challenges to overcome before I'm fully healed and living as my true self free from my trauma, habits, and patterns. But, I also know that I am not alone. I can do it, and I'm going to do it. No thing can stand in my way. So be it as it may.

Journal entry #4

Small update. I don't really have anything of major importance to share. I'm posting this entry so that I can keep this journal alive for myself.

I've been doing okay since my last entry. Life is looking up in general. I feel like I'm making progress. I'm feel like I'm climbing out of this hole that I've found myself in. I wouldn't say that progress is slow nor would I say it's fast. I just keep chugging along, day after day, doing the best I can and moving forward. Focusing on my progress helps to relieve the stress I feel. It's an interesting journey; difficult but interesting.

End.