Musings from a Cherry Blossom 🌸

@CherryBlossom7717

Hi Cherry, I'm Frenchie,

I love that flower, it looks so delicate yet it withstands a lot!

A little bit about me, and the story of a dream

My name is Cherry, and I bet you are not wondering why I chose it. Or rather, why I was happy that it chose me. You see, I am a genderfluid person. When I was born the world told me I was a boy. And with time I discovered that, while that was true, I was also a girl. And most of the time a very uneven mix of both.

Accepting myself took way less time than it took figuring myself out, simply because gender fluidity is not as mainstream as other LGBTQ+ identities. So for most of my life, I was confused, because yes, I was happy being a boy and later on a man. But at the same time, I felt a very strong attraction toward feminity, and not just in the sense that I liked girls. It was more than that: I didn't only want to be in a relationship with a girl, I wanted to be a girl as well. And I didn't understand why I felt that way.

With my head still full of questions I stumbled upon 7Cups, and, knowing it was a place where I could safely express myself as I was, I decided to explore my female persona. But she didn't have a name. And then the algorithm gave me my user name, and lo and behold, it was my favorite flower's name!! So I took it, and not only for this safe little nook of the online world. It resonated with me so much that it has become my feminine name everywhere. That means, of course, in my mind when I think about myself, and in my online presence on other platforms where my male identity can also remain anonymous.

For the time being, Cherry can only exist safely in these online spaces and in the offline privacy of my mind. Here I can explore and express what it is to be a woman with no fear of judgment, and that has helped so much to my emotional health. And that's this little Blossom's origin story.

Now, for a few little fun facts about me: I am a hopeless romantic, and I am often dreaming about meeting Miss Right, even when I have never been in a relationship (and must admit it scares me a little, as I don't know how to bring my fluid identity to that scenario). I am a bookworm and will read anything I can get my hand on, though I do favor romantic and fantasy stories (I'm currently devouring the Bridgerton book series). I love to express myself through art, especially writing and plastic arts, which proves handy in my career as a self-employed brand designer. My favorite colors are pink and white (again, I bet you don't wonder why). I am also an overall nerd and find nothing more fun than learning new things (of course, that means I am always down to sharing and hearing trivia and fun facts and that I am a curious-natured Cherry who is always as full of questions like a 5-year-old on a sugar rush). And that's all I'm going to share about me today before moving on to the story of the dream I promised you in the title.

A dream about freckles and curly hair

Alright, I am going to share one more thing about myself. There is nothing I find more physically beautiful in a woman than curly hair and freckles. And today I woke up dreaming about a girl who just happened to have those exact two traits. But it was a shocking kind of dream. Positively shocking, but shocking nonetheless, which is why I chose to record it in this entry.

Have you ever woke up from a dream feeling it was particularly meaningful? As if the events you saw were something you had to pay attention to? Has ever an image from a dream become so firmly etched in your mind that you keep looking at it when you close your eyes throughout the day? Well, today I woke up from such a dream.

The context matters little. I was just walking around in a mall when I stumbled upon this girl who was working as a janitor and was mopping a pool of slushie someone had splashed across the hallway. I ended up making conversation with her, and it turned out we knew each other. Or well, she knew me, because I couldn't for the life of me, remember who she was. But she was beautiful, so much so I was fumbling for words. And not just physically beautiful. She was kind, fun, very smart and creative...

As you can imagine, she had curly hair and freckles. But not just curly hair and freckles. She had this beautiful combination of dark chocolate curly hair, warm brown skin with a galaxy of freckles etched across her face, turquoise eyes clear and bright like a beautiful summer sky, and the most amazing smile. And she knew me, like, really knew me. Even the secret about my gender identity, she knew it (in the dream I was my male self). And she liked me. And I don't think you'll need to ask if I liked her back.

When I woke up, I didn't want to open my eyes. I wanted her image to linger in my mind for just a little longer before I had to face the day. Because we all know how memories from a dream tend to fade and wear out as the day goes by. But she didn't. And not only did her picture remain. The dream carried on for a bit more while I was already awake. I was fully aware that I was back in my room, but I was also still in that mall, talking to her. And before the dream finally ended, I felt this certainty in my heart that she is not a dream. That she exists, and that I will find her.

I know it sounds crazy, no need to point it out. But the day is almost over, and I am almost back in bed again, and her image has not faded. Maybe it is because I indeed long to find love, and I have been thinking a lot about it lately. But still. The dream was special. And I can't shake the feeling that it was meaningful in a way that I am yet to understand. Who knows. Maybe I will find her one day, and this entry will be proof that I dreamed of her before we met. Or maybe I will create her, and this post will be the beginning of a story I am yet to write. Who knows. For the time being, I'll just leave this story here and will keep enjoying the beautiful feeling the dream left me with.

If you have read this far, I hope you enjoyed it. Yes, this is my diary, but I would love it if it became a sort of community as well. So I'm not writing only for myself, but also for your enjoyment, dear reader. Feel free to share your thoughts and comments, I'd love to know what you think. Have you ever had a dream such as this one?

Until next time.

Love,

Cherry 🌸

What I Want in Life

I have struggled for so long trying to define what I want in life. It went past the point of feeling like I didn't know what it was I wanted, to the point of actually believing that it was pointless even to want something (with a hearty dose of feeling unworthy of wanting, mind you).

I've been thinking a lot about that lately because I just realized I am a mere six months from turning 30 and I am still heading nowhere. It took a lot of soul-searching and looking into many of those dark corners of my inner self I didn't want to dive into. And I finally concluded: I do know what I want, but I am afraid to admit it even to myself because

1. It is different from what is expected of me, both by my family and by society at large.
2. I don't feel worthy of actually getting what I want (it is tied to point 1 of it not being what I am supposed to do and pursue).
3. I have no clue as to how to achieve what I want and don't have a support system to lean on, and that adds to the fear I'm feeling because it deviates from the normal, structured path I'm supposed to follow.
4. It has been said that you can't heal in the same environment that made you sick. Sounds logical enough. But I feel trapped in a vicious circle where I need to leave my current situation to heal, but I need to heal to be able to leave my current situation.
5. I don't know if points 1 to 4 are just excuses because I am scared of leaving my comfort zone, however uncomfortable it may be).

That being said and out of the way, what I truly want in life, and what I feel I need to be happy, is:

• Being able to go to bed when I am tired, instead of staying up until the wee hours of the night to steal some meager scraps of peace while everyone else sleeps.
• On that note, being able to go to bed without dreading the day to come.
• Being able to sleep calmly, without waking up every couple of hours to check if it is acceptable for me to sleep a little longer or if I have to forego some much-needed rest to avoid getting in trouble.
• Being able to wake up feeling well-rested and refreshed, without my heart racing over thoughts of the day ahead.
• Having a flexible schedule to be able to do the things I want and enjoy. Being able to do the things I like for a living.
• Pursuing freedom and having time for myself instead of chasing money to increase my bank account.
• Being able to work without needing to look over my shoulder every so often.
• Being able to work without needing to be ready to leave it all on short notice if someone else needs me.
• Being able to wear clothes that make me feel good about myself and that I like instead of wearing what I am supposed to wear.
• Being able to refuse to help others when I don't want to.
• Having someone to come home to.
• Being able to speak freely and share my knowledge and opinions instead of having to hold my tongue back to avoid others from getting angry (I mean, speak freely while still being respectful, of course. It is just that in my current situation, sharing an opinion or idea is always a risk).
• Being able to rest without having to justify what I am tired of.
• Being able to have fun without having to earn it or hide it.
• Being able to simply like what I like (something as simple as chick-flicks being my favorite movie genre gives me so much trouble sometimes in my current situation).
• Being able to openly express my emotions: laugh if I find something funny, cry when I feel like it, and be able to give voice to my anger (again, respectfully, but I would so very much be able to speak and be heard about the things that hurt me and make me angry).
  

I still wonder if I am asking for too much. And I still wonder how I am going to get all that. Deep inside, I know I am still waiting for someone to come and save me. My heart still holds hope for that, even when my brain knows I am the only one who can save myself. And a part of me keeps saying that if I am honest with myself I don't have much to complain about and that I should be content with my lot in life (and that I am asking for way more than I deserve).

Have you guys ever felt something like this? How did you find what you wanted in life? And how did you figure out what to do to get it?

I would love to read your thoughts and insights. Please do leave a comment. I'd appreciate it if you take the time to at least share with me your favorite emoji. I have been feeling very lonely lately and I would mean the world to me.

I hope you are all doing good.

Until next time.

Love

Cherry 🌸