Music

I just realized I'm sitting on my couch streaming music. It doesn't seem like a big deal, but I haven't been able to actively listen to music since the pandemic began.

I have Synesthesia, which means when I listen to music my mind is alive with shapes and colors, waves of motion and vibrations. So music has been a huge part of who I am. But as the mask mandates started, and the quarantines began, and life got more exhausting, something turned off. I think I went into a kind of survival mode.

It snuck up on me and consumed me. Unconsciously I turned the radio off in the car to and from work and drive in silence. A podcast I listen to began doing Happy Hits once a week, other listeners would call in and name a personal happy hit and the host would play it for two minutes. It made me grit my teeth, even if it was a personal favorite of mine, too.

Last October I caught myself fast forwarding through that segment. I hadn't noticed I was doing it, but realized in retrospect I had been doing it for a while. Music was making me angry.

Around that same time, I took a step back. I don't know why this is happening, and I don't know for how long, or if forever. For the first time I chose a path of grace and compassion with myself. I decided instead of fighting this, I'd sit with the anger. I'd accept it as a new part of me and not get frustrated. The synesthesia never stopped but I didn't feed it with music on purpose any more.

And tonight, as I cooked dinner and found myself running back and forth from the kitchen to the living room, freezing my tv show; I thought wouldn't it be easier to just listen to music? And I put it on without even thinking about it. Until I was sitting on my couch, just hearing one if my favorite songs playing. Everything felt comfortable again, even safe at some level.

(I might revise this and keep trying to hash this out in new posts, so people can see it develop)