Most recent thought
Thought #16 24-Jan-2017
My biggest fear is that I'm not worth loving because I don't know how to love, even when I've made love and loving my life because of where I have been, I have felt abandoned for most of my life, all because I never bonded with my mother the way most have. I don't know how to express any of this , well that in particular.
I have made every effort to be different from what I have seen and to not allow anyone to know the hurt and dark that I have endured alone and isolated, invisible to everyone, which hurts yet has been successful because I see glimpses of what I know to be love from only one, who turned around and ripped my soul to shreds because she lied, not only her, they all have, so I continue to battle myself because I don't want anyone to know that I am terrified of giving over who I am to her, whom ever she is that will be able to calm my mind and make my soul smile, allowing me to awaken each and every day that I have left with a love that surrounds me and is for her and our offspring, but I fear I'm to late for that.
I fear because I'm not worth loving I have shut off the one who has tried to find and reach me to show me everything I desire and believe about love and loving.
I'm sorry that I have done this to you for so long, where I have been I can't really explain but to know that you are still there thinking about me as much as I am thinking about you and what we honestly are is something if we cross paths that I will make a new life journey as I make up for the time that we have not had because I have always feared and felt I'm not worth loving.
I know you are mine and you know I'm yours, even if we never meet or ever say a hello
I'm sorry for being this way trapped for this long by fear.
- Ink
@InkStainedFingers
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with all of us here. I feel I can resonate due to the difficulties I've had with my own mother since I was young.
After reading this post a couple of times, I felt inspired to reach deep within me and realize I've not had an understanding on how to love and value myself because of how my own father and mother showed me love (via physical, mental, emotional abuse).
I've made so many bad choices all throughout my life that reflected how unworthy I felt of "real love," whatever that may be, as Im slowly letting go of my fear to put myself out there again. From the men I would allow in my life to what I allowed them to do to me. No respect, no protection, no love. I rejected the good men due to not feeling worthy and instead would open myself to those that met my own sick idea of what love was, the only version I was taught as a child.
But now, I yearn to know better... and do better. It's a shame it took so long to realize, but I'm understanding it's taken however long was needed for me to discover and learn this for myself. No one can make you see, what you ultimately need to see for yourself, no one. And until that day comes when we actually do realize our worth, we will go about wandering blindly through life.
I thank you so much for your courage in opening up and sharing yourself with us... with me. It helped me feel much at ease with sharing something I never dared to before. I send you much peace, love kindness and understanding. 
~Luna
@Lunallena
I'm so happy that this resonated with you, I never expect anything of my thoughts and their reach, you aren't the first to say that the words in my mind speak things or in ways they can't. I have never seen anything but a great outcome for me even amongst this haze of chaotic darkness and horrific hurt. I never give up or in even when the loud becomes overwhelming.
I can after reading your reply agree that choices I made were bad, self realisation is powerful and something I now am over joyed is finally happening, because of my darkened and traumatic past I know I gave way to much, still do, but that's changing, I don't show this "behind the scenes version" of myself very often because of how I have been treated by those I wanted to love and trust. I know loving yourself is a step to finding that right connection and honestly I know we can do it.
I'm learning that I can be me first and foremost slowly as the right people with the same desire, attuitude and lust for life start to gather around me, the next step after that is not pushing them away or dare I use burden them, because I know I'm not, but having said that it makes sense I hope.
Thank you Luna for taking the time, much love and strength to you
- Ink
My most recent thought is that I am entitled to my own opinion regardless of what others think of mee.
