Lonely Child

For as long as I can remember I have felt like everyone was out to hurt me, against me. It started mainly in my family. My two older sisters were my first bullies, my first enemies. They made me feel powerless, and like I didn't matter, how I felt didn't matter. I always tried to be nice to my younger sister even if it was just by 5 minutes; my parents felt she was the baby. I never wanted her to feel like how my older sisters made me feel, even when she took their side or just stood their and said nothing. I think that's where I learned that I was on my own. My parents, I don't think they were ever in love. Maybe I wasn't there to see it, I always wondered how they got together, I always said it was arranged. I learned from my mother to never need a man to do anything for you, never let yourself be vulnerable to one and never, ever show them how you feel. Never fully being able to let go or fall for anyone, never letting myself trust anyone. Relationship after relationship I found myself being able to give love but never able to receive it. I learned from my father to keep things in until you blow, looking for external solutions, addicted to anything that gave me feeling. His was found in the bottom of a bottle. During this quarantine I've seen my family begin to fall apart, forced to be under the same roof, it's so quiet. No one comes out of their room and it's dark all the time. I feel like I can never truly be myself even when they are around. I hide so many parts of myself afraid of how they'll look at me, I hate being judged. I keep parts inside of me hidden, and do anything just to avoid stirring the pot. I feel like a slave, silently being judged, I try to be more like them. I try to make them smile sometimes, and make them happy. Sometimes my mother doesn't talk to me unless I talk to her first. It hurts the most because I would do anything to make her happy, and just because she's my mother maybe that doesn't automatically mean she has to love me. And maybe because I'm her older sister does mean she has to either. She's smarter than me, I'm okay with that. I'm not okay when she belittles me for not receiving the same education she did. I'm struggling as you can see. I've been on a journey trying to love myself, it's hard because I'm not even sure what that looks like. I read articles after articles. I just feel like I have no choice, I mean, how do you heal in a place when it's still broken? Today I stood in the kitchen because I had no where to go, no place where I felt safe enough to be alone. I don't have my own room, and I've been saving up but only to pay my way to college when everything opens back up. I'm trying to stay in my own world and ignore the pain, but how do I do this when I'm surrounded by people I love who don't love me back? I don't think anyone will read this but I hope that someone will.