Kazzy's Journey
Hello to those that are interested.
I've never been all great with journaling, I never have anything to say considering my days are all the same. But who knows, maybe this time it will help. I have nothing else to turn to, no one else to talk to, perhaps, this time will be different.
Guess a bit about myself is a good place to start. I'm a loner, an only child, never had anyone I could call friend. Sure, I had 'friends' throughout my years, yet never had anyone close enough to trust with personal things. Let alone feelings. In fact, I was recently thinking about a few people I used to call friend. One was considered a best friend, we were pretty close. Yet, the more I thought about her, she really wasn't that great of a friend. Yes, she was always there for me, in some ways, in other ways.... not so much.
I was bullied a lot in my childhood years. I don't know why, it always made me feel like something is wrong with me. I was nothing different, I had feelings, desires, wants and all the things kids need. Somehow, I was always singled out as an outcast. Perhaps it was because I'm a loner, they always say that bullies target the loners. Whatever the case, it taught me at a very young age to bottle up my emotions and trust people.
I've always known when I was unwanted and knew my surroundings. Unfortunately, even though I was aware of this, I still allowed others to treat me poorly. Some people I didn't realize it right away, others made it obvious. I don't know why people have always treated me differently, I was never included in anything when they would go out somewhere. I was constantly left behind, no matter who I was with, I'm the one that got left behind with some lame excuse.
I've always been alone and most of the time, I don't mind. I love being alone, being able to do what I want, how I want, when I want... Being alone is my thing. I know when I'm old, I will be alone, will most likely die alone somewhere. I accept that, it doesn't bother me at all.
With that said.... recently.... I actually feel alone. The first time in my life when I need someone to cry to, to actually see me for who I am. To see the pain my soul is showing behind the fake smiles... I've never actually felt lonely like I do now. Even my husband makes me feel alone anymore, it's difficult to talk to him over sensitive topics. So much has happened in the last few years that he isn't the same person anymore. Even he has treated me poorly at one point, like everyone else in my life. I seriously have no one I can trust. I do love my husband and we are working things out... well, I'm working things out.
He acts like nothing is different, other than my coldness.. That's a whole story in itself and I've posted about it. Unfortunately, I still don't know what to do. Everything is up to me anymore, it's like he doesn't have an opinion in anything. I have to find things for us to do, which is nearly impossible for many reasons. He doesn't try anymore, with anything.
Depression and health issues have hit us both extremely hard. For awhile there, his health was touch and go. I know that has a lot to do with the change in his attitude, sadly, it fed into my depression. Now, I've completely shut down, no motivation to do anything. I'm trying, I really am. Even pulled out some old projects and trying to work on them again. Now that his health is better, we have been trying to get out more, get both our strength back. I've gained so much weight over the alst few years that I don't know this body anymore. I can't seem to do anything, which well... gets me more depressed and seriously p'oed' with myself for allowing the weight gain to happen in the first place. I know it is depression weight, but still.. it should have been something to keep in check and not allow to get out of control.
Anyway, this is long enough I think, a good start I hope... I should stop here, though I do have so much more to talk about.
Hugs and Love..
@tkazzy79
Hello Kazzy,
It's courageous of you to open up and share your feelings here. Journaling can indeed be a helpful way to express and process your thoughts, especially when you're going through challenging times. Remember, it's okay to take things one step at a time.
It sounds like you've faced a lot of difficulties and have had to cope with loneliness, past friendships, and the complexities of your current relationship. Dealing with health issues and depression can be incredibly tough, but seeking support and taking small steps toward improvement can make a difference.
If you'd like, you can continue to write and share your thoughts here. Feel free to explore your emotions, challenges, and hopes further. Just remember that you're not alone, and there are resources available to help you navigate through these struggles.
Thank you for the kind words. It means a lot to me these days.
I've been trying really hard to keep my emotions in check. I'm not the type at all to show emotions, I deal with them when I'm alone, going out for walks or whatever. Used to be able to turn the music up while I cleaned the house and just let it all out through music and cleaning. Since moving to where we live, I honestly have no real outlet. When husband was working, it was easier, except for going out on walks. This place has no where to go that is within reasonable distance. I'm a walker, I love to walk, yet that is something I've lose touch with over the years.
We used to go hiking on nature trails and along lakes and what not. Then his health began to decline in a quick hurry. He was sick when we got married, things just kept going downhill. Part of why I stopped walking /exercising was because I was waiting for him to get better. It's no excuse, but it is what I have. I had gotten used to taking walks with him, enjoying our time together. It feels like that is gone now. We have started walking again recently, which is good, like everything else. It's not the same. He has gotten so weak that the walks are obviously shorter and I'm constantly worried about him. It's no fault of his, I'm not blaming him at all.... It's just the way it is right now.
He is home 24/7 now that he is on disability and he can help around the place. He can help clean things up. Sadly, that still lands on my shoulders. He kind of, sorta, not really helps with the dishes. He does the bare minimum, barely puts anything at all in the washer, then leaves the rest to soak. I'm still having to clean every room and now, have to clean around him. I feel like I'm in his way, I'm not used to cleaning when someone is home all the time. Which means i let things go a little more than I should. Which, here fairly soon, will not be a good thing to do at all. /sigh... At least the future place is a lot smaller and will be easier to keep clean.
It also doesn't help that I feel like a leech sometimes. I have nothing real to offer this relationship. Sure, I'm basically his caretaker now, a housewife that keeps the place in check and all that stuff. However, I have no income at all and it's been a serious challenge to find work. There's nothing in the area that I'm in, the jobs that are here are all warehousing jobs and there's no way I can do that anymore. I've been looking for things online, to do work at home. I have some skills to offer, just lack of real experience. The only responses I ever get from applying to so called 'jobs' are the scammers. Last week alone I had 9 fricken scammers. It's nearly impossible to find any work these days. Especially when you have to apply online and all you get are the scammers that come calling.
I've had plenty of ideas in the past, ideas that could have work, could still work. Unfortunatly, I'm always looking for uniqueness. Anyone can craft up a dream catcher, or crochet this or that, paint whatever... I want to be different from all the norm stuff so people would actually be interested. As always, my plans took a turn, lost everything that I had worked on and now I have to start from complete scratch...... again...
My fears get in the way as well. Always afraid of failing. Failure is a big thing in my life, no matter what I've tried to do, something has always blocked that path. I had plans when i was younger, sadly, schooling was seriously not my thing. I managed to get an associates degree for accounting.. guess what... that went to waste. I don't drive, which is another road block. I've tried getting my license a few times, again, something always came up and put a block on it. I have plans to try again here soon enough, just finances are tight and every penny is accounted for. We are living off his disability, which everyone knows is barely surviving income.
So yea, that's where I'm at today. Feeling used in some ways, like a leech in other ways, and utter hopeless all around. Just kind of waiting for the 3rd war to begin and hope the nukes will take me out...
