Journal

Right now I am working a medical position that requires me to design treatments for cancer patients. I use programs to design and model their treatments and the calculations these programs use are sometimes long, but need nudging along the way. I usually pull 2-3 all nighters a week in order to finish my current level of work. I currently can't say no to being assigned my current level of work. My boss is unsupportive and just shrugs and says that everyone tries their best and to stop working at 5pm because we won't get paid for the work we do after that but he expects the work to be done to a high level of quality and if I don't meet my deadlines, then I would delay the start of treatments for patients and I don't want the effects of that on my conscience. My workplace is getting new supportive programs sometime in 2021, so there is a possibility of 2-4 more months of this current workflow schedule and then maybe things will change for the better. I feel as though I am ruining my body doing this work schedule because I have little time for self-care and I have gained weight. I am struggling hard to make changes. My relationship with my boyfriend is suffering due to my lower self esteem due to my lack of self care. I work constantly, nearly 24/7 with breaks for sleeping 4 hours sometime each day and rarely have time to exercise or shop for food or cook food. I try to do small workouts of squats and stretches and ab workouts as I work. I can sometimes take breaks to go running for 30 minutes a day. I am terrified of failing the physicians who check my work. They can be cruel in their judgement of me and no matter my expertise, they just don't trust me when I tell them something is not possible. I had more free time before the pandemic. There's an open position at my hospital. I hope that they hire someone so that the workload is spread lighter amongst employees. We all work from home now, so it's difficult to stay in touch with the other employees. I find it difficult to talk to them about their workload and experience working from home.

My past is growing up in the Midwest in a good school system. I was so clueless though.... I wish I had had better mentors who took an interest in me. I am grateful that I did so well in school, but honestly I felt so alone and unsupported. I was bullied frequently and found it difficult to feel safe. I was so clueless, even in college. I wish I had been able to be there for my younger self. I had bad friendships and sexual harassment experiences growing up. I had horrible self esteem and felt so alone. My parents have a lot of trauma themselves and minimized my trauma --- while also creating a bad home situation. I've had bad experiences with cops because of skipping school and my parents calling them on me if I misbehaved. My parents were often violent and manipulative. They do horrible things sometimes. Two Christmases ago, I visited my parents and I tried to leave their house to go to my hotel I had rented. My mother didn't want me to go and took my phone and boots. I had broken my nose in a sports accident recently and she smacked me in the face. I called the police because I didn't know what else to do. She told them I was acting crazy, but they had her give me my phone back and boots and I told them that I just wanted to leave and go to my hotel room. They said that they didn't believe me and that I needed to go with them to the hospital. I went. It was horrible. I am ashamed that my parents did this to me. They have drove me to the hospital before when I tried to talk about feeling down in the past. I can't believe how horrible those experiences were. They just don't want to know about my feelings. I am an adult woman and I wish that I didn't want validation and support from my parents still. I feel like a baby bird that keeps asking the mother bird for food even though it should be out of the nest. I am financially and physically independent at least.

I wish I had more social capital and worth. I know my boyfriend loves me, but honestly maybe he just hates himself and doesn't think he deserves anyone better than me? He has some problems with setting boundaries with others and lets exes and friends hurt him over and over again. He also has a habit of justifying others' actions when they hurt me... or him. I ask myself how can he love me yet explain to me why others hurt me and justify the hurtful actions? I don't believe that he truly wants me to be happy. This is bad because we're moving in together soon. I wanted to work on our relationship before moving in. I do think our relationship is in a stable and safe place and that he is open to learning and growing together. I know he loves me, but I've had so many people say they love me and had many bad relationships before him and I used to be whoever the other person wanted me to be --- including a punching bag, but overall they were mostly physical relationships where I tried to fit exactly what my partner wanted. I hate that I am a slave to the thought of "am I acceptable?" but I can't be strong without this motivation. I have some health problems that are caused by bad habits and just trying to survive. I have a very limited range of foods I can eat without having minor allergic reactions. I try to stick to a diet, but honestly it's so bland and hard to stick to that I break it. I usually turn to sugar to stay awake at night to keep working. I wish I could break this habit, but then I would need to sleep more to avoid getting sick. I do sometimes get very nauseous when I go for too long without sleeping or eating an easily digestible food.

I don't know what I see in my future. I know what I dream of.

@ivoryBirch8827 , I Hope Writing/journaling will be as helpful for you as it is for me. It is a great outlet , it can be so healing and gives one an amazing clarity .