It feels like an all-nighter (again)

01:58 Thursday 09-Feb-2017

It's a never ending cycle it seems that I can't find a reasonable mid way to sleep and the psychosis that lingers elevated by the insomnia that turns up, I can't seem to make it past one decent night sleep within a week to even longer, that being 7+ hours. I'm dealing with many burried and current issues, fears and phobias all at once and the only way right now is to write them out. The people I want to talk to who I trust I feel have given up on me when I always thought they were different and they are, but again my mind racing gives the triggers and impressions that this is not the case.

All I have ever wanted when in this elevated zone is a coping strategy or way out because I again jump between so many thoughts I honestly feel like I'm screaming and nothing comes out or is heard and that I'm drowning on the air I breathe because it gets so loud and crowded.

I am seeing my GP in 6 hrs as it's around 0200 as I write this for a check up to start the year for one of the outpatient rehab service's I use and all I can think about is that I'm going to disappoint not only my doctor but the people that I consider my family and the ones I'm comfotrtable around because this cycle hasn't been beaten, and that I'm not on top of it.

I hide myself to a degree behind a facade of happiness and fun loving frevolity to most people I know because I don't want them to walk away which I know is totally their decision and I accept their wishes, but where it really makes it hard for me is that I don't know where I've gone wrong or if I have for that matter which is a big trigger to the loud mind and not the only one that is there.

I just want the loud to disappear and to be free to become accepted for who I am in every relationship type, I'm strong and my strength is tested right now because of the increase in chaos and volume and I feel tired and drained from just writing this because even though it is long I've had to walk myself through to many thoughts to finish this post.

Thank you for taking the time to read this jumble of thought.

- Ink