I need to Rant - TW: Orlando Shooting, Racism, politics

Im so sad.

Im so angry too.

It's been 575 days since the last time I felt this badly, it's been one year, 6 months and 28 days before I felt so undeniably sad that I couldn't pretend my depression was under control. Id like to say I know what triggered it because maybe it would give me the right tools to stop it...but I dont. I just know soo many things are upside down that I cant even think straight.

49 dead and 53 injured was the last I heard from the Orlando tragedy. Everywhere on the media it screams how much of a sad day this was for the LGBTQ+ community, and don't get me wrong...it was. But out of those 49, 23 were Puerto Ricans..5 alone from my local town. I mourn not only from my LGBTQ+ siblings but for the sorrow of my people. We were massacred but no one talks about that.

I mourn because this is not the first life hate has taken a life away from us. Back on March, a man killed a Puerto Rican for speaking spanish in the USA. I mourn because on December 24, when most were celebrating Christmas eve...we were worrying about the statement issued by the USA to the Supreme Federal court about our lack of sovereignty of our people and the lack of value this might present to our local Constitution. I mourn for the economical crisis that is hitting astronomical proportions and the constant denials to any remedy for it from the federal government. I mourn for the fact that the United Nations are telling the US to make us choose.

Im hurting for the years of abused and submission Ive suffered and that my country has suffered. Im hurting for the fact that most Puerto Ricans dont know their own history, their own historical figures or even their own rights because we were never taught this. Im hurting for the indifference from others because they just think we are a small country in the middle of the caribbean not worth much.

I cry every time I see a Puerto Rican put himself down to praise those from outside...I cry thinking of the stigma and lack of help there is for mental illness here. I cry every time I struggle with my own self worth. I wonder how can I feel enough when the very core of my cultural value has taught me to believe we are less than Americans. I cry every time I think of the fact that both my parents don't have a job, that the opportunities out there are so scarce and that I cannot for the life of me risk not being well enough to keep up with what is expected of me.

Im soo tired of hurting, of being angry. I want to know that Im valid, I want to know that Im heard, I want to know that I matter.

If you had made it all the way till the end of this post Kuddos for you! Thanks for reading the whole thing, I really appreciate, here is a cool gif to onload some of the feelings this post might have brought up