I am his enabler

I can feel it in my numbing fingertips as I type. Their delicate, trembling joints lock up one by one. The anxiety I try so hard to swallow down bubbles right back up when I know he's running low on adderall.

I am his enabler.

I have no reason to fear him yet the idea of being honest with my feelings terrifies me more than the sleep paralysis that grips my breath and body every night he's not with me and I will myself to rest. I am selfish. I only want to please him. Maybe he's not the only one with an addiction.

I am his enabler.

He's never laid a finger on me. Not a harsh word, he's never hurt me. His hold on me is gentle, but the grip of this addiction is crippling. He's miserable, in pain, lost... And all I do is tighten the vice when I hand over my extra pills. These weak and trembling hands, with no force at all, hurt him more than he could ever hurt me.

I am his enabler.

So today I prepare, with a heavy fearful heart, to draw the line and set him free. In the end, it will be his choice to let the meds go. I want to lift him up, help him, and support him. I want him to be ok... But that can never happen-

as long as I am his enabler.