Holding on to hope

Day 5 back on meds and feeling a tiny bit more functional. That may also be because my daughter has been visiting and we get on very well. She intuitively knows how to handle things when I am going through a bad time with my illness. I often tell myself that I am an introvert and don't need people - but I think we all need people. Trouble is, I was trying to fit in with the wrong people, the wrong people. I need to find more people like me, and like my daughter. I'm not sure where to look. Do I put an ad in the paper? Only half-joking. I'm lonely as hell right now - on a leave of absence from work and the dark grey days of winter are fast approaching.

A common theme over the years has been trying to fit in with others, fiercely independent but wanting people to like me. I kept telling myself that I didn't care what others thought, but that was me trying to protect my big, fragile heart. Sitting in an office with women who, for years, have discussed nothing deeper than why their husband is an idiot, why they need new shoes, why they are going on a bus trip with 40 women to go shopping for the weekend, what they are going to have for supper, how fat they are getting. And they aren't nice people. Toxic. Always talking about people. And I would sit silently, unable to join in, and mentally punching them each in the throat.

I am DONE pretending to be someone I am not. Done plastering that fake smile on my face for my partner who did not, could not, WOULD NOT accept my illness. No wonder I had such a relapse this time. I stopped taking my meds and starting pretending I was like other people. I kept pushing my partner away and now he is gone and I will be grateful for this one day. People kept telling me how NICE he was , and how MUCH he loved me, and both may be true, but that does NOT mean that he is the guy for me.

At my worst, I'm sure he would describe life with me as a living hell, but at least he could walk out the door and lock it behind him. I was left behind with me, my despair, my suicidality. He didn't even try to understand, and I need to believe that I deserve someone who accepts me just as I am. Under the right conditions, I know that I can bloom and feel beautiful inside.

So that's my hope for today.