Grief and other things related *No replies please*

This is just my place to say or write anything I need to say.

My sister is not here on Earth anymore and I'm not happy about it. I feel lost, I feel anxious because I want to attend the service but I know she would say it's okay. Things are different in the world. She would tell me to put my health and wellness first. Plan to visit Mama and the family later when I am able to spend more time.

Yet there is a part of me that feels so lost, like in a fog.

Why does death feel like this?

Why is it God who I trust allows this? I am human and I thought she would be here when I had my own children I wanted her to be their auntie. I will share her story, her hopes for our people, our community, for health. I will live, but it hurts bad in a way I can't describe completely. I am missing a piece like nothing fits.

It's like no this isn't happening. It cannot be happening. Wake up or turn off this weird show. Where I see your face, hear your voice in everything.

I need to escape. I didn't get to say goodbye. It's so unfair. Illness cancer, dis-ease. She's not sick no more, no more medications, no more of her body turning on itself. Just full peace. I don't want her to come back but then I do it's so strange.

When my mom passed she came in my dreams. Sleep illudes me, I sleep then I don't. Last night I scrolled her old page for so long. I can't let go yet. I need like a few more minutes, hours. I did see her in 2020 and I am thankful but it's been so long. I haven't even seen my own family in person and it's driving me crazy. Like I haven't seen my little cousins and it terrifies me that they will forget me. It's selfish I guess but I have been through so much and I need their presence. I used to say being with then was my air, my safe, easy zone. It was like vacation mode, they didn't require much. Just be there and I feel horrible that I have forgotten birthdays and so many years of time we couldn't be together. Like is it always gonna be this way. They aren't babies anymore. They won't want me to call them my baby. But then my aunt calls me her baby. Idk I just needed to let that out.