Going to be with Emily
Hello my name is Sally. I've not been on 7 cups for very long and haven't really said much in the time that I've been here. I wasn't being rude, its been great talking to some you but I wasn't really sure how to get support and ask for it in the 24hr support room.
I came here because I am in bad depression since my 5 year old daughter - Emily - passed away last August. She had autism and she suffered a seized that killed her. I should have been in the room with her but I'd gone out to finish making cakes which took about 5-7 minutes and when I returned to her she was lying on her bedroom floor dead. I think a lot about her in those final moments and how scared she must have been. Emily probably wanted her mum and I wasn't there for her. Had I still been in there when that had happened she would still be alive today.
Its been almost a year and the guilt of losing Emily is killing me. My depression has got worse and I don't ever see that getting any better. How can I take away the pain and guilt of letting Emily down and costing her her life? Right now Emily is in Heaven and she'll be wanting her mummy. I have nothing in my life to live for anymore, no family, no friends and since Emily's death I have no children. The way I look at it is this, Emily missed out on her life and she deserved to live a full and happy life. (Edited by forum mentor @Mel, for triggering content. Please if you're in risk call the hotlines to get appropriated help. We highly value you but we sadly aren't prepared to help in crisis). Many likely believe this to be a selfish act but I disagree. I am unhappy so why not just go away to be with Emily again.
I want to say thanks for all your help everyone. I didn't talk to many but I did speak to Pap, Hurt, Lilme and of course CommunityModJennie, Anne and Taylor. Love you all💛
Please don't blame yourself. It was never your fault. We'll love to have you helped by experienced listeners and see your recovery but you are being suicidal and in need of a professional. Reach out to the suicide hotline and talk with a therapist who helps grieving mothers in emotional pain.
@SallysDying. Sally this is not your fault. I know about seziures and just having been there may not have been enough to save her.. I understand how you would feel the way you do but when a seziures is that severe you cannot stop it. You need professional help to deal with your pain and greif and I know there are also support groups for parents of children who have died. Please look into finding help. Can you talk to Emily's doctor? They might be able to help you understand what happened. Your own doctor can give you a referral to a therapist. Please do not suffer thru this alone. This is not your fault.
@SallysDying
Sally, I am so very sorry for the loss you have endured. But please don't blame yourself for what happened to Emily. I am sure your daughter loved you very much and I know that you would have always been there for her. You sound like a truly wonderful person Sally and I know that Emily will be looking down on you now, proud of her mother and wanting you to be happy and live life, not just for you but for her as well. Enjoy the times ahead and share them with her through letters, speech or prayers. She's with you always Sally and nothing will ever change that.
Please reach out to somebody to help you through this Sally. If you can't in real life then please feel free to reach out to me, I'm happy to support you through this.
Please take care Sally.
My best,
Daisy.
@SallysDying
I'm praying for you. Please reach out and talk the suicide prevention hotline. I understand your pain and am praying for your peace. THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. I don't have all of the answers but I know this is not the answer. I have lost a loved one and have blamed myself periodically for their death but in the end I know that only GOD can give and take life. Please please please call the suicide prevention hotline1-800-273-8255
@SallysDying
YOU ARE SPECIAL. THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. Please don't make any decisions until you've spoken with a therapist. Do you have the resources to speak to someone? If not, please call the suicide prevention hotline. I've been under the dark cloud before. I understand. I'm praying. It won't be easy but you will make it through one day at a time. Emily wants you to live for her. I pray that you are surrounded and filled with love and peace to pull you through this.
@SallysDying Hello Sally, I know we haven't interacted at all before, but I did want to leave you a comment as some others have here as well. You've been so brave to post this, open up about how you've been feeling and what you're going through.
I'm so very sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter Emily, I can't imagine how difficult that would be to go through. And such a recent loss is absolutely understandable to feel overwhelming, often times grief can last even a year before healing begins. But healing can begin, if you give yourself the time for it.
Sally, I don't think you have any blame to shoulder. It sounds like you were a wonderful mom, and a very unfortunate event happened in such a short period of time. That isn't your fault, you couldn't have expected to be with Emily for every minute, it's normal to leave for some times. We can't be certain if having been there would have changed the outcome either, these "what ifs" only serve to bring us guilt, but in reality...we can't change what happened, no matter how much we would like to, things happened as they did. You've done nothing wrong by being a caring and normal mother. The fact that this is hurting you so much, it really shows just how much love you had for her and how great of a mother you are. I can imagine Emily had a wonderful 5 years of life with you. It's so sad that something took more years away from her, but that something was beyond anyone's control, and it's not your fault. We can't be certain how she had felt, but my thoughts are that I'm sure she would never think you failed her, or place any guilt on you.
I know that it's common for depression to deepen during the first year after a loss, and especially with the anniversary coming up, it's so understandable that you're feeling this way. But the truth is...your depression can and most likely will get better, if you give yourself a chance. Emily may be waiting for you in Heaven, but I would imagine she'd want you there in your good time, to be able to watch her mom feel happiness again and live a long life. You can still be there for her right now, while here on earth. You also deserve a full and happy life, just like Emily. But in unlike Emily, you do have the ability to make a choice about it. I know it certainly doesn't feel happy or worth it right now, but it can be with time. We can't be sure what the future will bring, but we have to let it come in order to find out.
I sincerely hope you choose to continue living, for Emily. You can do so much good in the world with all the love you have in your heart for her. You could make it a better world for other children like Emily, or for other parents who are feeling like you are. Or, you could just make it a better world for your own sphere, any small amount can make a difference. Taking little steps at a time. I'm sure this coming August is going to be an extremely difficult time, and I would encourage you to try to spend it positively or with support around you. It's okay to reach out for help, no one needs to go through this alone. Whether that be support phone lines, attending self-help/counselling meetings, or even just being on 7cups...you mean more than you could imagine, and there is support out there and people who care about you. Emily was very important, and you're equally important. Give yourself another year, another chance to feel happiness again, to begin healing. You do deserve it, to feel like life is worth living.
Hi Sally,
I hope you are well and doing ok.
I didn't forget that it was the anniversary of your daughter's passing and yesterday I lit a candle for you both, read a prayer and made sure to give a toast to her memory at dinner time as well 💛
Stay strong Sally. We're all here for you when your ready to come back.
Thinking of you at this difficult time 💛
@SallysDying
I just read this and I feel so sad, helpless and shocked right now. Can this not be the last choice you make after trying everything else? The choice is always going to be there. I really hope you are still with us.
@SallysDying
Sally I really hope your okay right now. If you are please come back, there's so much support and love here. So many people will help you get through this. Emily would want you to stay and live a happy life. Here for you.