Echoes of Aaravi

14:47

02/04/24

Being used. 

I feel used, and not by one but by everyone around me. It has been proven that my anxiety was not lying after all, people use me and then just leave.. I have been told many times that I support them always, I am there when they need me always, I am always kind and willing to help and listen.. I know I have never or maybe least expected from everyone around me because that's how you grew up to be, to expect " less " even from the loved ones, I used to feel guilty to expect even bare minimum, all my anxious thoughts.. they have been true and it hurts really.. to know that I am not the first choice in anyone's life ( except for my parents), I feel I failed as a person because why when they need me they come to me and then just leave? and why does it keep happening with people around me? Makes me think something really is wrong with me.. yes I am aware about building boundaries for myself, taking care of myself first.. but I can't help it when a friend (atleast for me they are my friend) asks for help. I have been told I have lots of guts in me, because of how I am still there even after so much hurt and pain.. I am still there.. maybe because I know what it feels to be left behind, to be used and thrown, to not cared of enough. 

Yes, I have learnt to live with the bare minimum expectations, Yes I expected to be loved and cared for and not from everyone, I don't need attention.. I just needed for that one xyz person to care enough, but they didn't.. I don't know what's wrong with me. Recently a friend told me that they don't really care about me and they're in touch only because they need me right now and wouldn't even bother texting back once everything they're going through is over.. and I realised that yes I appreciated their honesty but .. it hit me.. that all of my relationships have been the same.. 

I am a human and it hurts a lot to not feel loved, cared for.. and only feel wanted when needed. I am a human and I deserve the benefit of the doubt, to hurt, to feel pain.. 

I don't know how I would explain "feeling used" .. 

I have been there .. for everyone I could, I did what best I could do for them, I still keep them in my thoughts, knowing atleast they got someone in their difficult times, knowing they would still remember me (maybe), I pray for them, I try but I can't think of anything bad happening to them, but it's also true I feel hurt  and alone and unwanted, and nothing more than just a listening ear or a *friend* in need , I wanna be more than a *friend* in need.. 

 I feel alone, I can't call anyone, I can't text anyone who would be there at the moment when I need, and I feel hurt to be on the side, the side on which I am someone who's been called and texted when in need and I am there to help them, I wanna be on the other side for once.. ! 

I know I have people who have supported me and been kind to me , and have always loved me, I can never forget them and they're still there even if there are no regular conversations they're still there. but it's not about them, it's about me.. I am still a second choice 

I have started to lose my trust on people, that anyone would really want to be there, maybe it's the recent events or my past.. but that's how I feel, and no one would tell me that my feelings are valid, instead I would be told to be atleast grateful.. I am grateful and I do look at the positive side.. 

However, I feel I have created an image for myself.. a friend who is always there when needed, and I can try but I can never change that.. I can't let anyone feel the same way I do if I have the chance to.. 

I feel hurt, sad, alone.....

I am still there, and no one is waiting for me. 

22:57 

04/04/2024 

I know hate is a strong word but 

I really hate myself right now.. This person is not me , it’s not me.. I am lost.. and I don’t like this person who is currently living beside me and it feels like this is going to be forever.. I am kind of breaking down right now and All I can think about is why is no one there to hug me, for how long should I crave for just a lil hug.. a lil comfort, presence of someone who really cares about me.. why do I feel like this. 

I don’t study, I struggle getting up from bed, then going to college, coming back, I struggle doing lil things like changing, getting food, and even though I do all of that, there’s this empty feeling, like an hole inside of me, feeling nothing.. during off days at my college all I do is just sleep, don’t even bother getting up from bed, and I have so much left to study, I have deadlines, exams coming up and how did I turn up to be someone who doesn’t care about all of this? And then I feel guilty of wasting my parents’ money, not doing what I should be doing right now, struggling to do even easiest things, I look at myself in the mirror and I just hate it, everything about me.. 

I used to love studying, love books, I used to be a hardworking, academically scoring student even when things weren’t going well I still managed to give my best, but now.. I just don’t know anymore.. 

i have lost interest in anything anymore, I don’t know why I am liking this.. why is it happening and this is eating me alive

i used to feel grateful, used to thank god and pray for everyone, i still do.. it used to give me sense of hope and love and gratitude but now i think i can’t face God either, he won’t be proud of who i have become, 

I don’t deserve to be loved or cared for

And it’s not just a phase… 

idk what i should do, I can’t reach out 

it’s eating me alive