Did they?

I looked around and saw your light

The light you raised with words

the words you took from all your fights

the fights you won to win the world

Sleep: you need to rest now young lady!

me: nope have to finish that A-Z songs game..

Sleep: you silly thing, you'll wake up late if you don't

me: nope as long as there's light it's morning!

Sleep: if you don't rest now, you leave me no choice i'll leave for an hour

me: what wait, no 'trying to hold on to the game'

What do you think is the cause of depression?

When people say you are normal yet you feel so down and uninspired and very much irritated with the world, what could be the cause?

Id love to know that theres a reason as to why I just cant cope.

They say that being sad is normal.

They also say being sad is irrelevant.

That it is an act and just an excuse for being lazy.

They spit the words in front of your face like there is nothing wrong with you and that theres no reason to feel down.

Was it wrong?

Was feeling this kinds of things wrong?

I wanted to say that youre not me and you dont understand but most of us are like that.

We all feel like no one can understand us, dont we?

But then is that a reason for them to say they do understand us?

For them to say they understand me?

Is it a reason to tell me Im not supposed to be sad..


*this was written before

I feel stuck. Most of us do. It is really an ordinary thing that everyone experiences. If it is so ordinary then why do I feel so desecrated. Why do I feel like I should be ashamed that I am stuck. Is it something a person should not do?

Id like to confess that I know I really am not stuck. I want to do a lot. I want to paint, to write, to get a summer job, to watch, to read, to do household chores but then I stayed still in one place. I know Im in this state of moratorium but I couldnt do anything about it. I want to do so many things but why is it that theres something that keeps me from all of them.

It may be wrong to blame others because it is my choice isnt it? I believe that others affect me though. My parents and my siblings, my friends and acquaintances and even strangers that I know may dislike my decisions. All of them are part of my world even if they dont really think so.

Everything is everything to me. I know that I shouldnt or should hate that thinking and that baffles me. Every reason leads to another restriction and I know it and yet Im still stuck..

*this was written before

A song by Elohim :)

Started taking pills and now Im livin alright

Besides the constant numbness and the thoughts of suicide

Now all the butterflies have turned to vultures in my stomach

Were just birds up on a wire playing whos the first to plummet

Where you been? Where you at?

Everything I did, I can take it back

I cant move on, I cant relax

‘Cause when youre gone… panic attacks

Where you been? Where you at?

Everything I did, I can take it back

I cant move on, I cant relax

‘Cause when youre gone… panic attacks

Thinking of you lying down when I was faking sleep

Faking sleep when I was lying down thinking of you

Everything is nothing, nothings everything to me

Nothings everything, everythings everything you see

written on June 26th 2018

Im not joking

I am not an easily understood person and I know sometimes that I am a bit difficult to understand. The years Ive been studying here in college. Ive learned about the ego id and super ego. The id is the wants, the superego is the moral or values and the ego is what keeps this two balanced. Ive found out that I have developed anxiety… I think I wasnt listening well with this topic. But I want to confess that I have developed a trait. I have too much superego…

I became a person who over thinks everything. I feel guilty of everything. Ive developed delusions and become something so hard to deal with. The thing is I havent really told anyone about this. That I do have difficulty dealing with myself. I have fought a lot of times with myself. I tend to have a memory problem. My life hasnt really been that bad… Ive lived in the moment in times that it was really fun. I know there were times that things feel like they can last forever. The happiness that I wanted. The feeling, of never worrying about what I do. The comfort of living in the moment.

But I could never be that person, and I always remember a lot of things. Those things that had made an impact to me and those things werent all that happy. I have this problem… I always remember everything that is sad, embarrassing and really things that would make a person angry. The happy ones, were just out numbered that I cant keep myself motivated about what I really am.

I am going through depression… I think that there were times that it really is bad. I think about death as if it is the only rest I can have. Even when I slept, I think that I havent rested at all. Ive tried almost a lot of things to stay. Ive fooled myself a lot of times that there would be people who wont be able to live more properly if I had went away, if I had killed myself.

But I could never be that important… I wont even be that much deduction in the population of the world. I once thought that there were persons who would really know who I am and not even judge me but believe me too. I hoped that if someone was able to dive in this crazy mind of mine that person could survive and be able to know what ever I will do next. Maybe if that person would know how I lived through out all this years, maybe if that person only knew how my mind works, then maybe someone could help me and not think of me wrongly like how other people do.

God help me

I believe that he is real and that everything that was written in the bible is real and that this world is so complicated.

This world is complicated.

I have become cold to affection when I was younger. I only cared about the creation not the care takers. I have thought that there is no real family ties. Once we die, we find out that our body were only vessels and the blood line that we were so proud of, it would just disappear. The country we have lived in is just a place. The creation is whats beautiful but we were destroying it. And the only thing that will stay before the day we all get to be awakened again will be who we are. Our souls would the only things that will be us. Its not the way we live, the things we own and this physicality would be all meaningless.

If family is real, why is it that they are the ones who betray me in the end? The hope that they would be the first to know how you feel, the first to know what can make you feel sad, the first who would be able to find out how bent and destroyed my mind is. I thought since they were the ones who I grew up with and the ones who I almost spend all of my time around, they would know how much Im hurting.

Why is it that I was always neglected? Id be listened to in a day and then the next they would forget what I am. The thing is, whenever I tell them what I am, I thought there would be some type of difference. I thought they would change and I thought that I would change.

I thought that Id be more jollier and that id be more optimistic. But that havent happened yet. Instead Id feel more sad and lonely and never understood. I also thought that they would become more questioning and more understanding and give me less pressure but they never do. And soon Id get more disappointed because that was what I expected.

The only time I felt happy was whenever I win an argument with them. Whenever we fight they would get me, they would realize what I meant and whenever they lose it feels like I have let them see that they have always been so self centered.

Self centered? I am I think self centered but I dont know right now. I think Ive always been used by others, acted for others, did everything for others.I always became theirs, even my decisions… they choose for me, force me into it and when Ive had enough and refuse. I become someone who is bad. Who did something wrong. My decision and my mind wasnt allowed.

I believe that I am not allowed to live my own life. I think I can never live in the moment and enjoy whatever happy things happen. If other arent happy with what I do, I get conflicted. I feel frustrated. I dont want to disappoint anyone. It feels sad when I disappoint anyone. Whenever I like someone, I cant because of my parents… whenever I want to love someone else I cant because I dont want to hurt the person who likes me.

Written on June 26th 2017

It was terrifying

All I can remember was that after I finished the last episode, I closed the top and then I rest n went to sleep but before that I didnt know why anymore but I thought of the s again. I cant remember the reason though. Just that I viewed myself trying to run then jump off a ledge. After that I thought too that I would leave them a message such: EZ I couldnt keep my promise… I tried to rephrase that because we didnt make a promise. I couldnt stay strong… I told you I was strong because that time I saw what other people sees from me. Then I told my self that I was also weak. Then I thought.. nah but that would be a great story plot isnt it? I think I smiled then fell asleep.

After a while I woke up, I couldnt make sense of the ceiling. It was like I forgot where I was and how I fell asleep. I closed my eyes but then I woke up again and I tried to make sense of the place again. Once I did it seemed strange why the curtains were glowing and the entrance too. I was thinking someone was outside then I saw the outside of the mirror out of a sudden. And there I saw the forest and that there was someone walking. I tried to get up but I couldnt.

Somehow I was trapped in my bed and unable to move. I actually tried my best to move. I couldnt that well. I was to move my fingers and it would but it never allowed me to get up from my bed. So I thought that I was in sleep paralysis again so I tried instead to call for help by shouting but there were no sounds coming out from me. I was hearing so many static and channeled sounds . it was super frustrating but then I thought if a demon has tried to oppress me then I would ask for Gods help. I prayed our father but somehow I was having difficulties. My lips started to feel hot like it was burned. I stopped the our father but instead ask for simple words and simple phrase. It helped a bit because I was able to think clearly again but still I couldnt speak. I raised my arms trying to reach from down to above but I couldnt. instead I thrashed and thrashed around. I saw that my brother was still awake. So I was hoping hed help me wake up but none arrived. So I called to Him again but it was really difficult. It was like I was being sucked into something. I couldnt really. I was in the bus next and was talking about my rude husband.

So after that I just wanted to see the time so when I reached to it the screen was diff more f red. As I held on to it, I thought that look at this phones, if they lag we kill it and turn it on again. And when I thought that I woke up. My brother about to sleep and the divider open again. My lips were still searing and I didnt want to stay awake