Diary of a grief

I miss him. It's been hardly more than a week. I've gone longer than that not seeing him before, but this is a different kind of missing him. I find myself missing little things. The way his hair gets super floofy if he lets it dry without trying to flatten it. The way his hands move when he's baking. The way he twitches in his sleep. I could always tell he'd fallen asleep because he'd start twitching. Sometimes we'd nap together and his arms would be around me and he always fell asleep before me. And I'd just get these random mini hugs cos he'd squeeze me in his sleep. That always made me smile.

I miss the stupid things he said just to make me laugh. I miss talking to him over a cup of tea. I miss his scent. I miss so many more things that I don't have the heart to write about right now. I just miss him.

I keep see-sawing between being almost sure that he was just too scared to let me in and was simply not as ready as he thought for a relationship, having the hope that after some time, we could try again... and the conviction that... even if I am right about how he felt about me... even if this was all about him not being ready, he's just going to smother any feelings he may have until they die. Or that he won't think it worth the effort of trying again even if he does have some feelings for me. Or that he'll just be too proud/afraid to ask for another chance...

Basically, I keep going between hopeful and hopeless... I'm not sure which one is worse. It's hardly been more than a week since he ended it, but it feels like an eternity. I just wish I was better at just not thinking about it. I wish I was better at distracting myself.

I'm missing him so much right now. I just wanna hug him. At the same time, I'm *** at him for ruining a good thing. I wish work was more interesting so I could just focus on that.

I've been focusing on work the past week and it's actually been very good. I hope this mood lasts. It makes it much easier to not think about him... the weekend is proving a bit harder. I know I need to rest or I'll just burn out and it'll be even worse... but not having work to focus on means I'm thinking about him a lot more.

But at least my customary shutting down post intense emotions has kicked in. So everything I feel is blunted. I can tell that the feelings are there and that they're more intense than what I'm experiencing, but I don't really feel them. It's like there's a thick blanket over them. It also means I don't really enjoy things either, but it's better that crying my eyes out or being unable to focus on anything else.

Damn, today is rough. Been thinking about him all morning. I'm missing him a lot today. I just wanna hold him and make everything alright. I wish I could just... fix everything.

I think... I think we neglected our friendship a bit. We had only known each-other for about a month and a half when we got together. And we went fast. Too fast I think. I still think the timing had been different maybe we would have been able to work through that. Might have taken a bit of effort... but yeah... I think we should have focused on ur friendship a bit more before jumping in.

It's really hard to be patient. I really hope we can be friends though. I might see him tomorrow... for the first time after the breakup. I want to be with him... but I want to be friends with him too. And I hope we can lay a foundation of friendship now and try for a relationship again at some point...

Of course, this is just what I want... I don't know what he wants. I don't know if he's open to this. Or will be at some point. Patience is so hard.

Today I told my mum about the breakup. That sucked...

I miss him so much today. I just wanna hold him and make everything alright.

I've been sitting here trying to think what I want to write. I don't really know tbh... I can't find the words to express how I feel. I have hope... but only a fool's hope. I have no faith in this hope.

There are things I want to say to him... but I don't know if saying any of them will make anything better or make it worse. Everyone says I should talk to him... and if someone else was going through this, I'd tell them the same. but I really don't know what to say.

Could not stop thinking about him today. I hate days like this. Most days I'm able to focus on other things. But today my brain just won't let go.

The past couple of days I've been very emotional. Tomorrow it's his birthday. I may or may not see him, depending on whether he comes to training... I've been debating whether to make him muffins... he's just been acting so weird and emotional himself. Like he can barely look at me. He goes out of his way to avoid me, but at the same time I can tell that he's trying not to... he just seems to be unable to. I don't know if that's because he feels guilty or because he still has feelings for me and is confused... I've done my best to let him know that I'm not angry or resentful and that I still care about him and want to be his friend even if he doesn't want to date me... so I don't know why he would feel so guilty. I just... ugh I don't know.

All I know is that I miss him and I hate that we're somehow less than strangers. I want to be with him still, but if he doesn't, that's okay. I would at least want us to have a good friendship though. Even though that's going to be painful for me if he starts seeing someone else... but I'm willing to try to deal with that should that situation arise. Because he's worth having in my life.

I don't want to lose him, but I'm afraid I already have. That he's too scared of trusting anyone and he's just running away.