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DaydreamEllie's Diary

DaydreamEllie December 8th, 2019

(I tried to think of a funny name for this diary, but couldn't think of any. Will change once inspiration strikes.)

Anyone can comment, honestly. Also, I'm not a native English speaker, so if you do read this, sorry for the errors.

So I was watching BBC Sherlock for like a fifth time and I kind of like the concept of John's blog. Therapeutic thing which turned to be his story on how he met Sherlock and about all the andventures they've been through. I honestly thought about starting a blog but I've tried it and I can't keep it up. I get bored, I don't find the time, I really can't be bothered to write article after article. I love writing but I like stories better. Fiction, sci-fi, fantasy... Maybe book one day?

But I came to 7cups for an advice, "do you have blog, does it help..." and then I've stumbled across this. People having diaries straight in the forum of 7cups. I like this much better. Less work to set it up, friendly environment... We'll see how this is gonna go. I don't expect this to be the record of my life adventures. I'm not an adventurous person. I would like to be, but I get really anxious if I'm not fully in control of the situation I'm in and that seems quite contradictory to adventures, at least based on what I've been through so far.

(...This is getting really long...)

Currently, I should be studying for my exam, and I also should be writing my bachelor's thesis. I should also work on my sci-fi WIP, but NaNoWriMo just ended and I got some words on the page so I think I can take a little break. Those are the things I should be doing. I would actually like to study, maybe, that doesn't seem so repulsing, but the thesis, oh boy. No idea how or where to start. Exam seems a bit more pressing. So that's a focus number one.

I listed the things I should do. Something tells me I should think about things I would want to do.

I want to go out and stare at the sky, somewhere in the middle of nowhere, woods preferably. With some friends, or alone, but like, safe. I want to work in NASA even though I understand nothing about science, it just seems fun to be a scientist and I love astronomy. I want to work on something that actually pays me and I'm so passionate about it I forget about the world. I want to have a chill evening with friends, watching movies, not having to worry about work or school. I want fifth season of Sherlock. I want Falcon and the Winter Soldier to come out already, as well as Black Widow. I want to experience something that changes my life into a big adventure.

...But I think I'm going to have a snack and finish another episode of Sherlock. That seems most doable.

Anyway, hope you are having a good day, reader, and if not, I sure hope it gets better. Drink some water. Scroll through Tumblr. I'm sending warm hugs your way!

2
DaydreamEllie OP December 8th, 2019

DaydreamEllie OP December 10th, 2019

So recently it really makes me mad how I'm forgeting stuff. Not like names or things like that, just - I have thought, and before I manage to write it down, whoosh. Gone. But the feeling of the thought being in my head is still there. I know I forgot it. But I can't think of it again. I was told, some time before, that this is a sign of anxiety and stress and you need to slow down to remember it again, to sort yourself out. Which seems like a good idea, but it's easier said than done.

I hate it.

I felt quite okay today, I was feeling good yesterday, but now I just feel restless. I can't relax.

But it is better knowing that I will have a free time. I know that Christmas are coming and even tho I have many things to do still, I have something to look forward to. I have Christmas gifts quite sorted out, that's good. Things are good.

So naturally, being me, I'm just waiting for something to go wrong. I can't settle with "it's good now", I have to think about "maybe it's not gonna be good later and you will be sad if you don't prepare yourself for that in advance".

It sucks and I have a feeling it might be anxiety. I don't want to self-diagnose, but I want to name it. If I name it, I can control it. Sort of.

I would benefit from going to a therapist, but I don't have time. That's a lie, but it sounds better than "I'm too tired to go through the process of getting one now".

I'm okay but not really. What a weird state to be in.