Chrome-covered, chloride-powered

Hi to whoever reads this.

Decided to try my hand at having a public diary and seeing how it helps. I welcome any kind of interaction lol, I like friends even if I have a ridiculously hard time actually bonding with other people.

I suppose today's a good day to start with. I feel like I'll probably overtly restrict my food intake again, feeling extra jittery since I woke up so it'd be a miracle if I didn't either restrict or binge like a mf. Will be doing my best not to but every food item disgusts me except for really unhealthy stuff or goat's milk (lol? I'm pretty sure its because it's what i used to keep hunger at bay in my full-blown restrictive days - I won't say why, I don't wanna give tips to anyone).

Plan for today is to read more of "The Cannibal" by John Hawkes, Sadly the copy I have has a real bad cover that I didn't actually notice until I went out of Oxfam with it haha (has a WW2 German symbol on it with a motorcycle even though the story is literally some surreal telling of fictional lives before and after both WW1 and WW2, the contents themselves are extremely descriptive and GLADLY not even related to the symbol on the cover). Cover aside, it's a nice enough book. The plot itself isn't much but what it lacks for in vivid storyline it makes up for with vivid, surreal and creative descriptions. This might get me more into John Hawkes tbh.

This is all assuming that I WILL read more as planned. Often I don't. After this I want to read some Jung, or some Sartre (heard plenty of bad things in regards to Sartre's intellect though, so I suppose if I don't want literary brainrot I'll be going with Jung lole).

I'll also be going on a walk and to the gym (the gym comes at night, I don't want people to perceive me).

Sadly, I also seem to constantly do bodychecks, sometimes without even realizing. I'm extremely unhappy with my body. I'm extremely unhappy with my behaviour in general also, so I suppose I'm extremely unhappy with myself as a whole. My body is fine, I'm at a healthy weight (way better than when I was bordering on obese just half a year ago), and I've been acting better as of late but... intrusive thoughts keep going inside my head every moment of every day. The past, especially lies I've been told, have sent me into a panic attack not long ago. I can't tell anyone I know, because I only have one person in my life and I genuienly can't tell him lest we have yet another argument.

I might watch a movie today, I don't know.

Today, I'm tired of myself.

I hold some hope for the future, but right now I wish to vanish - not die, but simply dissolve if that makes sense.