Cassie's Diary

I wish I hadn't said that. I don't know what I would have said instead, but I should have thought of something. Some reason, some excuse. Or I could have just been brave and said, "I know you won't like this, but I've reached out to someone who is helping me to accept myself for who I am, and I've been doing this through email, which is why I have this email in my inbox." But of course I didn't.

Instead I said, "Oh, it's a religious person I've contacted who's helping me to stop liking girls."

Why?

Why did I say that?

I hate being afraid. I hate hiding who I am.

Looks like I'll have to come out all over again, since now my mom thinks I've "gotten over" my feelings. I mean, in some ways it's good-- I won't have to deal with the "You're going to h***", stuff, but I hate that I'm hiding again.

I hate that I'm so scared to be me. I hate that now I'll have to pretend to agree with all of my family and friends' homophobia.

I shouldn't. I know this. But still...

I mean, of course I won't out right agree with them, or act like I do.

But I'll be back to not saying anything, to staring at my hands in my lap.

Silent.

And I hate myself for this.

But I'm not going to come out again.

Not for a while, years at least.

I hate being afraid.

I hate it.

Look at me, Pride Month and I undo everything I had done. My coming out to my mom, which had taken so much courage, my pride, my acceptance of myself.

Back to hating myself for something I can't change.

I wish I wasn't so insecure that my homophobic family and friends can change how I feel about myself.

I know I shouldn't hate myself for anything, that I shouldn't let them change me, but I do.

And all because I'm afraid.

Hi!

So I'm Cassie, as you probably figured out. All comments are welcome. I didn't know exactly how to begin this, so wrote out my thoughts and yeah. I love writing. I've written stories my whole life.

But writing my own story is different.

More difficult.

So...