Cake's Diary

Background

My ex and I broke up because my parents took away my electronics and I'm not able to be online as much. We went from talking all day everyday to only five minutes every other day ish because I had to sneak around to be able to talk to him. This went on for about a month. We finally reached our breaking points, decided it wasn't healthy anymore, and cut the relationship off. I loved him. I think I still do. My stupid stupid self thought it would be possible for us to continue our online relationship and then me eventually move to where he was, date him, marry him, start a family and what not. He was my everything and now he's gone.

Timeline of Events:

Mid Marchish: we broke up

(Paraphrasing)

Him: I'm sorry but I can't do this anymore. The feeling of not knowing when you are gonna be on sucks.

Me: Its okay. I completely understand. Its getting kind of unhealthy for the both of us. I'm sorry I made you go through all that.

Him: Don't be sorry

Him: Trust me. After I sent that message last night all I wanted to do is curl up in a ball and cry which has never happened before. I didn't want to hurt you.

Me: Its hurting but I'll be okay.

Him: Don't let it hurt goof. Think of all the sweet memories we had. Heck, even the bad ones. And I'll always be here for you.

Me: Ight, thanks :)

Him: I love chu

Me: I love you too mf :)

After that conversation I felt awful but also relieved that 1. he still loved me 2. we were still friends. In the days after, I would think about him all the time and then it would hit me that he isn't mine anymore and I would be in that feeling of numbness and tears burning at your eyes but not quite falling. And then four days later he invited me to a scene to hangout on this game that we play and he was sitting with a new girl in the position that we used to sit in. I felt like a bus was hitting me. I was so confused. So terribly confused. I thought he still loved me? How has he moved on so quickly? He doesn't miss me like I miss him? I knew it would happen eventually but not so soon. I hadn't been able to mentally prepare myself. I started going to bed later and later thinking about this and waking up in the middle of the night. I discussed this with a listener and she suggested I tell him how I felt. I composed this message: I was going to ask you if there was a chance that we could work out theoretically. Like if I got a burner phone (which I was working on) or if I found my iPad. Im not trying to jump to conclusions but I see you might be talking to someone now. Im just confused. Ik it's selfish but it hurts my feelings that youve moved on so fast. That youve lost feelings for me so quickly, and youve already found someone else. Dont get me wrong. Im not trying to tell you what you can and cant do with your life. I know you cant wait for me forever. I know it's only a matter of time for you to find another one. As your friend, I value your happiness. If she makes you happy then Im happy for you. But this what Im trying to understand: Was what we had that easy to throw away? When you said you were certain that we were meant to be together did you mean it? And if so how could you lose a feeling so deep like that so quickly? Im not trying to come across as clingy or jealous. Please dont perceive it that way. I just would like to understand whats going on from your point of view.

I decided to send it in Spanish because my thinking at the time (which wasn't really valid thinking but whatever) was that I could get everything I needed to off of my chest and he would never know. I was embarrassed to share these type of feelings with him because during our relationship I could be clingy at times or jealous when he hung out with other girls. I didn't want him to think that I was trying to hold on to our relationship or asking to get back together with him which I most definitely wasn't. All I wanted to know was how he could move on so fast. I had to send it in parts because the platform doesn't allow for long messages. So he only saw this part: I was going to ask you if there was a chance that we could work out theoretically. Like if I got a burner phone (which I was working on) or if I found my iPad. Im not trying to jump to conclusions but I see you might be talking to someone now. Im just confused. Ik it's selfish but it hurts my feelings that youve moved on so fast. That youve lost feelings for me so quickly, and youve already found someone else. Dont get me wrong. Im not trying to tell you what you can and cant do with your life. He unexpectedly translated it. Then he replied before I could send the rest of the message. He said this (paraphrasing): You know, I've done second chances and they actually sucked. We are done. I know it kind of hurts but oh well. I'm not gonna be the reason why you get in trouble. You shouldn't be sneaking around, why not just listen to your parents?
I was extremely hurt by this message because he is usually a very sweet guy. I've never been rejected by him before but he seems like the type of guy that would let a girl down gently. Not "yeah it kinda hurts but oh well." God that hurt. And I felt so ashamed. The exact reason why I was afraid to send the message was that. I messaged him and said sorry and he didn't reply for a while, so he was mad at me. I messaged him and told him (paraphrasing and shortening), "I'm not looking for a second chance. That wasn't one last plea to get back with you. I'm not gonna be that one crazy b that's still holding on the relationship. I'm okay that you moved on and if you're happy then I'm happy. I sincerely wish you all the best. All I want to know is how you were able to move on so fast?" He replied and said, "Its because I had basically been single for about a month. I don't think you understand how I actually felt. I felt like I had no one. The feeling of not knowing whether you were gonna ever come back was agonizing." I apologized again for what I put him through and we had a talk about it. I had to go but when I came back online his message was "the last thing I want to do is lose my best friend." So I was feeling all warm and happy because I was still his best friend and it seemed like all was forgiven. But then for the next week whenever we would message he would send me one word answers when I messaged him and his overall vibe seemed off. (During all this time he was battling COVID and I still feel incredibly awful for giving him all this drama while he was physically suffering. And ig mentally too because he has depression and anxiety) But I wasn't really thinking about that as a factor and I thought it was because he was annoyed with me. I was only thinking about myself and the fact that I felt awful because I thought I was losing him as a friend too. I thought he was waiting for me to take the hint that he didn't want to fw me anymore. After a week or so of this going on I asked him about it. I asked if a) he was feeling tired because of the corona b) not wanting to be friends any more and waiting for me to take the hint or c) still feeling awkward from our talk. He chose a and I was happy. After two days or so his mood towards me seemed to change and everything seemed okay between us. Okay so that's the background story. I'm sorry that its so long and thank you for reading this far. But I just thought y'all needed a little background to understand the circumstances and follow along with my diary. Ig this was a little extra but oh well.

4-6-20

Ig this is another background but this only goes back to last thursday. On thursday I logged in to find a message from him saying (paraphrasing): I don't really trust anyone as much as I trust you and I need someone to tell. My biological mother messaged me and I dunno what to do. His biological has been out of his life for around sixteen years now. I tried to channel my inner listener (hehe) and walk him through how he felt and what he thought about getting back in contact with her. He seemed extremely shaken by the whole ordeal. I wasn't really sure what to tell him because he just didn't know what to do. I suggested that he tell his parents (at least his step mom who from what he's told me is very kind and gentle rather than his dad who might have some angry feelings towards her) but he didn't want to. I suggested that he give it a few more days to process everything. He agreed and he thanked me for trying and for being there for him. He told me, "i'm sorry for telling you. i don't expect you to listen to my problems." i've been an ass to you (ig he was referring to the time when he acted annoyed with me all the time). and other stuff like that. I told him I'm happy to be here for him. That night I felt very happy because he still trusted me. It seemed like we were doing really well friendship wise. After I logged off, he messaged me saying, "I'm actually so sorry for destroying our happiness. I never should've done it...I should've waited." Wow. Wow. Wow. I was so confused. Doesn't he have a girlfriend? I thought. I checked his profile. Yep, his profile picture his still his girlfriend. I felt guilty because he was messaging me this while he had a girlfriend. I think that's borderline cheating? I've seen this thing saying, "if you wouldn't want your partner to see that text, than its cheating." I'm sure she wouldn't appreciate that message. She is such a sweet girl and she doesn't deserve cheating. Okay I'm being overdramatic . Moving on. I also felt a little happy (which is so wrong of me) because the little voice inside me squealed, "he misses me?!" After much internal debate as to how to reply to that message I just asked him why he said that. He said, "Just a crappy night." 'What does that even mean?' I thought. Does that mean he was in his feelings so he started thinking about crap? Was it because I was being compassionate towards him that made him feel guilty for breaking my heart? Did he get high because he was feeling so bad and decide to write it when his thinking was impaired? Did he mean it? I said, "Well idk if you meant it, but don't be sorry." Because he did the right thing breaking it off with me. I was so selfish to let it drag on even though it was unhealthy. Because I just wanted to be loved. I just wanted to go to bed knowing that someone cared for me even though it sucked that I couldn't talk to him all day like I used to be able to. He said, "I meant it." I didn't reply or continue the conversation. Now I wish I would've because I have many unanswered questions but I feel awkward bringing it up again. I stayed up all night thinking about it though. A few nights later ( I think this past Saturday or Sunday) I had a "nightmare." Not really a nightmare because it wasn't scary or anything but. It was basically him and his girlfriend getting married. I felt desparation aching so badly in my chest because, because of what he sent I thought we still had a chance. Ever since that night I've been staying up late again not being able to sleep and then waking up a few times in the middle of the night. Ig its not so bad because I'm so sleepy that I end up falling back asleep after five to ten minutes. But its always an unpleasant feeling being woken up from sleep for no reason. Today I talked to him and we had a friendly conversation. We borderline flirted which I feel guilty for because he has a girlfriend. I miss him. I miss when it was normal like this. When it was full on flirting and there was nothing wrong with it. When he would tell me he loved me. -sighs- Towards the end of the conversation I started getting annoying and I could tell he was getting annoyed. I sent him one last message that said "sorry I'm bored lmao" to which he didn't reply within five minutes so I left. That's all from me guys. Have a great night

XOXO, Cake

4-7-20

I haven't talked to him today but I've been thinking of him all day. His name keeps running through my mind over and over again like a lulling rythm. I miss him. I miss the future we could've had.
Hugging him and kissing him for the first time. Taking naps with him. Cuddling. Meeting his family for the first time. His friends. Going to his football games and hugging him while he's still muddy and sweaty. Being goofy and laughing my butt off with him. Swimming with him. Dates. Stargazing in the bed of his truck. I sound so pathetic. A lovesick teenage girl. He was so perfect even with all his imperfections. His lovely imperfections. He was so amazing. I think I was crazy about him from the day I met him. We were best friends for a while. He was the only friend that actually seemed to care about me. Who I could be myself around. I've told him things that I would never tell anyone else and he made me feel safe no matter what was going on in my life. Whenever my depressing thoughts would overtake me, all I had to was think about him and they would all poof. Just the thought of him brought a smile to my face. I miss that. I miss that so much.
Things have changed so much. We're not the greatest friends like we used to be. I miss that friendship. When I could tell him everything. When I didn't feel like I was bothering him when I talked to him. When it didn't feel like he was hiding things from me. Whenever something slightly related to his girlfriend comes up it feels like he thinks I'll get mad if he brings her up. I just want to tell him that he can trust me with anything. I won't get mad. I don't want you to hide from me. I'm broken inside but its okay...I just want to see you happy.

Would he even care if I told him what was going on in my life? Would he care that my cousin just died from COVID. I want to tell him. He's the only one who I have to talk about it. But would he even care?

That's all from me. Have a great day loves.

XOXO, Cake