hi.
TW: Eating Disorders, please do not read any further if this is a topic that might trigger you today. i wish you a good day, here's how mine usually goes.
Another Day
The usual day starts with starving
Sometimes with the thought ‘maybe an apple can’t hurt’
But then I remember the numbers, remember that an apple isn’t breakfast,
it’s a whole meal, a forbidden dessert
So the hunger comes back, carving
A hole in my stomach, poison in my brain
How much longer will all these thoughts last?
How long until the poison reaches every part of my body
Making it wilt and break, but isn’t that what I want?
Isn’t that the reason I let the poison sink in, why I’m going through that pain?
The evening is almost here, maybe I eat a piece of fruit, but
What about the rest? I can’t just throw that away
So I take the whole thing, prepare it, I cut
It into tiny pieces and take hours until it’s gone
But now that I started to eat, I can’t just be done
And I don’t care about the guilt
That’s taking over my whole mind,
I go to the store, I’m making a wall out of cake
I’ll take all unsafe foods, go on and build
My own cage, I’m drowning, choking on the flour I use to bake
And it’s night, dark as death,
I can’t ignore the guilt and self-hatred
I’m starting to panic, I need to get rid of the food
Like every day I thought recovery works, this day I’m doing good
But it’s all a lie. Thoughts tear me apart, from different directions
I’m shaking, where is my breath?
How did I end up in the bathroom again?
And why is this pain, the emptiness, the thing making me feel whole?
No answers anywhere, am I going insane?
Why is my life ruled by choices of foods, and number restrictions?
Why do I feel like a puppet someone toys with, just out of control?
- Bubble 💭