As I Sit

As I sit here alone in this new bed of this new place... I wonder what it is like to have people. I have never had many friends and so have never been surrounded by people to whom I am a high choice. I know that I am not anyone's first choice to talk to, to be around. I know this. I wish it was different. I am so tired of being alone. Unfortunately, I don't think that will happen. I don't think I can let it happen, subconsciously. The whole ordeal with Kayleen left me with so many issues that I didn't know that I had relationship/intimacy issues until I met him. We both have problems I know, but I want to be able to let go of the fear that I have about relationships and letting people see that part of me. I wish I could throw out all my worries and tell him everything I'm feeling and thinking. But I physically cannot get those words out. When I think about what could be... I feel like I need to run away and retreat but on the other side... thinking about not having him makes my chest tight and my throat close. I don't want to lose him, but I don't really have much control over that... I know the stats of security he has, I know it's less dangerous now.. but still I think about the worst and begin to panic. I want to tell him so much, I want to tell him all of my fears and worries, but I haven't been able to see him in person since I realized any of this and this is not something I want to talk about over the phone... it can be taken so many ways.

I'm so tired. I'm tired of the depression that keeps coming back. I'm tired of anxiety. I'm tired of not feeling like myself and being at war within myself. I'm tired of dealing with the repercussions of things I didn't choose to have happened.