All over the place

I haven't been on here for a while and that makes me feel bad. I had hoped to get out of my rut and be able to contribute more...maybe become a listener, but I'm not there, yet.

I quit my job. This was the main reason I felt like I was in a hole. I hated that job and one day, I just decided no more. I know it was the right decision, but I don't have another job LOL. I have been working as a self-employed courier, which is tough, but I'm so much happier. I just hope I can make my bills LOL. I don't want to get another job, but know I'm probably going to have to, because being a courier doesn't pay that well unless I'm working a whole lot of hours.

My sister finally moved in with my mom. My mom is stressed, but I think eventually she will be ok. It's hard on me, because I don't trust my sister. She has done terrible stuff to me in the past. I made a different post about this. Anyway, I asked my mom yesterday if I could trust her, telling her about my life, to make sure she didn't relay this to my sister.

This has always been a place of contention between me and my mom. She doesn't respect my privacy and I have no one else to talk to about my life. I know people. I have facebook and other apps, but I'm really afraid to talk about my real life, or things that I do, that other people wouldn't like...nothing illegal, just not mainstream. I wish I could embrace my life and not care what other people think, but I can't.

I was watching this show, I won't name it in case other people haven't watched it...but there is this girl in it who just does things and expects all her friends to be there, support her, even though a lot of the stuff she doesn't goes against them. The last season, all her friends and even her family turned on her. She blamed them, but ultimately was told that it was her, all her. People just don't leave unless you make them.

I realized this about myself. I am alone. My daughters all hate me. My son, who lives with me, is very distant and I'm pretty sure he is in the process of moving out. Normally, I wouldn't care, because I know it's important for kids to leave the nest...but right now I care. And it's very selfish. He pays half the bills. He's on our lease. I won't be able to afford my rent or bills and wouldn't have even before I quit my job. He stayed out last night, which makes me happy for him, but stressed for myself. This is the first time he has ever done this. He's 22...so honestly, it's about time. I am just worried...again, about me, not about him. I don't like being selfish. I hate that I'm in this place and need to figure out how to not be.