ASD is killing me.

(**needed to write some things out and put it out there, responding isn't nessesary if anyone reads this**)

I feel like I'm stumbling over my words in my own mind, I dont even have a tounge to get tangled with at the moment. I dont want to talk out loud at all today. Period. Nothing is coming out smoothly or in a way I feel I can articulate well for others who aren't autistic. I can't seperate dreams and reality very well lately, and once I get an idea in my mind, it's not going away any time soon. I dont give my trust back once it is lost, but I'm trying for this one guy and it's confusing and terrifying and I still love him that's definately not by choice. I cant tell if I'm eating well enough, or just enough. I feel like I should try to track what I'm eating to make sure, but I know it'll turn into counting callories and being even worse for me... at the same time, I'm practically always shaking just slightly. I cant get myself to do laundry. I habitually chew on the inside of my cheeks, and I dont like chewing on fabric (it would be an improvement) except the cuffs of a specific hoodie I have - but I dont want to wreak it and it's too hot to wear it anyways. I wish I had work today. I like my job and it gives me no choice but to be focused on something. I only have a small part time job and I can hardly leave my house let alone legitimately track down a full time job. My skin is too hot. I want to go back to school, start working on my major, but I want to be able to live on campus, that would help the motivation of getting to class. I want to get to my next step with out the transition. I just want to live in an appartment on the campus of a university and live with my cat. But this is home base for my guy. He'll travel for work, but he'll always come back to this town... so I want to stay here. Yet I dont want to live here and it's too expensive here anyways. I want to live 1300 miles north west of here... too far from him. But he'll be traveling away anyways. But it'll make the rare visits even harder if I'm not here. This is where his family and friends are. Also dying for my next tattoo. There's too much that I want and I'm not getting enough hours to pay for it all. I feel like there's fog around my head and I can't quite break out of it.