I struggle with hobbies a bit

And I mean as in I feel at times like I shouldn't have them.

I know hobbies are supposed to be a good thing. Help with coping and all that stuff. But I feel like now for some reason that if I do those things now that it's somehow a step backward?

Best way I can explain I think is this... I've been coming around to the idea that I am suffering from depression and that I probably have bene for many years. As I look back on things, I see what I did to cope and how I threw myself into them. I love to draw, paint, art in many forms (photography, ceramics to name some others). I would throw myself into many different projects and be working on them late into the early morning. I was homeschooled so there wasn't an early morning schedule for me. But on top of that, I was a hula dancer and I was in those classes often 5-6 days a week if a big "recital" (for lack of a better term) was coming up. But my studio also performed at many different events, ranging from kids birthday parties to memorials to weddings to cruises. I love hula. I love to perform on that sort of team spirit.

I don't do art anymore. I don't dance anymore.

I still do creative things, technically, but that's because I use my creative power to make things more functional around my home. I am very good at reorganizing and creating storage out of nothing. Creating solutions to the smallest problems (sheet keeps coming up? guess what a 21" deep pocket fitted sheet exists it NEVER pops off my king bed. Need more cabinet space? my cabinets are magnetic so attach some magnets to the spice jars and freed up a cabinet). These are very fun for me. They are creative. They can be artistic in their own right.

But sometimes I miss just sitting down and just doing a drawing for the hell of it. Not to put up on the wall. Not to show anyone.

But if I do that, I feel like I'm being lazy. I'm not being productive. Not getting priorities done (the dishes are still not done. laundry needs to be done, groceries bought, so many endless things to do). And I fully believe that I need to take time for myself throughout the day. And I do. But I don't want to draw or paint during my "chill out time" because it's still a very active thing to do. It's not relaxing my body AND mind. I want time just for itself.

Same thing comes up for thinking about finding a new hula studio. It feels selfish somehow. Even though I know it isn't.

I feel like hobbies shouldn't specifically be something that is only productive. I'm ALWAYS doing productive. I need a hobby to relax from that but it feels selfish when I go to try and do it. Any advice out there on how to try to overcome?