Watching my grandpa slowly die
At the beginning or so of July, my mother received a call from Mexico stating my grandfather had gotten terribly sick. for context, I have no other grandparents and they died before I could get close. Now it took us until halfway through the month when we traveled over here to visit him.
Throughout my visit, I've seen how bad he has gotten. He most likely has a cancer in his lung and it's impossible to move him out of the house. he has a constant cough and for a while would cough up blood. it took a lot of energy for him to just speak. it has obviously been really hard on his body.
As if recently he hasn't been able to get up from bed and struggles with eating. not only that but his pressure has been so low he's at constant risk of heart attacks.
Despite that, he's always smiling when he sees family and tries his best to have a conversation while talking with him.
Watching him being taken care of and being able to be around him even if he's asleep was healing at first. now it's both healing and maddening. recently I've gotten so angry at everyone and I don't know what to do. Part of me is so angry that my family keeps giving him medicine to keep him going knowing it's impossible to get better. the other is so angry it has gotten to this point. My anger has been haunting me and even sometimes showing in my relationships or friendships.
Watching his body so lifeless like a mockery of who he was before. As if every part of his soul has been sucked out. It made me really sick. I managed to tell him what I wanted to do and my future plans. about the graduation, I knew he wouldn't be able to see. How much I loved him. I've seen so many vulnerable moments with all his loved ones even with his older brother. I wish I could just cry and have him hold me telling me everything will get better.
At some point, I accepted his death while he was living. I don't know if this is the right thing to do or more so healthy. to mark him off before anything happens. I'm awaiting the worst while not giving a chance for more to happen. But I know it because selfishly I want to make death easier to swallow. What I do want to say is I'm scared and I don't know who to reach out to. I tried with my bf but it's clear that it's a lot more than he can handle and I've never lost someone before.