I miss you brother

The day my brother died I think I died with him. I felt at the top of my life, good career, good stability, good home. I went through a breakup at that time, all while hurting from the cut of a really important friendship. Although I was sad, I felt secure. I met a new friend who helped me through the little pains. I hit my goal weight at that point. Around that time, I wasn’t worried about life stressors as much because I was too busy worrying about my job. I worked nearly everyday, and I’m pretty sure I gaslit myself into believing that that wasn’t stressed out.

October 4, 2021- the day my life changed forever. I was heading to pick up a child from his family from a different town as I was on the job (I was a case worker). I got the text from my mom that my brother Wade was being rushed to the hospital and that he might not make it. I was nervous but a part of me knew that Wade had been through this many times before as he was gang affiliated. I’ve seen my brother in the hospital before, he can’t be dead, he’s been through it before. He was being rushed to hospital two towns over, and so I was trying to get home fast so that I can go with my family to see him. On the way back I remember the fall leaves over the highway. I don’t remember much about that day. I remember it taking about another half hour to get out of the office since I had to assist with getting the child a new driver. I also remember planning to drive to my brother in my little broken car with my other brother Dray. I got a call from my brother Chaz and as I answered I remember almost hitting a red light so I started laughing. Over the silence on the phone I can hear my brother Chaz say “he’s gone”. Another black out. I head to see my brother Dray to tell him. My brothers reaction was hard; he already had so much anger from that moment towards our family. We called my dad and another black out. We waited for my family to get home and we went to see my grandma. Another black out. I went to my sister in law, Marie’s house and cried and I had to go home. Another black out. I was at my moms and I gave my brothers and my mom a hug. Another black out. I slept at Marie’s house the next few nights. Black out.

Wades funeral was beautiful, fall was a good time to burry someone I kept thinking. Shopping for the funeral was hard because I remember worrying about how much money I was spending. I remember worrying about getting back to work and having days to take off. I had no time to grieve, I had to help with the funeral, hug my family, and get back to normal. Anyways, at the funeral, I remember feeling the safest I’ve ever felt in a long time. It was me and my siblings and my cousins. We all sat around and laughed at our stories we had with Wade. I remember hugging my brothers casket and not wanting to let go, I don’t think I did. I laid with my mom on the church bench and cried. I regret my actions during this time; I was more worried about work then I was about how I would take such a loss.

And over the next couple of years I watched as we all broke down and dragged ourselves through the days. It was so hard for all of us. I worried and worried and worried so much for my family. I couldn’t hold it all together. And after letting go just a little I found myself in a mental hospital. I watched my mom, brothers- Dray Chaz, Brettner, and Aiden, and Wades so Tommy go through so much. And now I watch myself hit my own form of rock bottom where I spend most of my time in the darkest place I’ve ever been. I miss you Wade.