Any Advice?

After the breakup, I find myself thinking about her 2-3 times a day, which is a huge improvement from when I used to constantly replay memories or wonder what went wrong. Now, when I do think about her, I don't focus on what went wrong but rather on how the breakup might have been a good thing in hindsight. My emotional reaction is more neutral now—there’s no longer the intense anger or sadness, but there is still a desire for revenge, even though it's not as overwhelming as before. I guess a part of me still wants some sort of justice for what I went through, but it's not consuming me anymore.

In terms of new relationships, I’m am not yet open to the idea of moving on and experiencing new things, and I don’t ever want to venture into another relationship. The betrayal I faced has made me feel like trusting anyone again is pointless. Looking back, I can now see the red flags from the very beginning, which I ignored or justified. Those realizations have left me somewhat stuck in the past, still processing what happened and questioning how I could have been so blind to the signs.

I still wish things had turned out differently, but at the same time, I don’t think I would want to go back to that relationship. If she were to come back and beg, I think I’d still say no. Even though there’s a part of me that wants things to have worked out, deep down, I know the relationship isn’t something I should return to.

I’m trying to heal and move on. I’ve been focusing on studying for a government exam as a way to distract myself and to have something to work toward. But my motivation is lacking, and I’ve been reading manhwa instead of studying to avoid facing the reality of my situation. I’m not as focused as I should be, and it’s difficult to stay on track. The healing process feels slow, and some days, I still feel stuck in my emotions, especially when I think about how much she hurt me. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive her, and it still feels like a betrayal that cuts deep.

Even though I’m struggling with the hurt, I do have moments of happiness when I spend time with my family, especially my niece. I laugh, joke, and enjoy being around them, which gives me some peace. But despite those moments, I still feel like part of me is missing, like I’m not fully whole. I question whether I ever deserved her, and that thought makes me wonder if I’ll ever deserve anyone else. It’s hard to see myself finding happiness again.

I don’t think about the future much. It feels like there’s no real future ahead of me. I don’t feel motivated, and I don’t have any ambition. I’m just going through the motions, doing what my family wants me to do, like preparing for this exam. I’m retreating into my room, hiding from everything, pretending to study, and avoiding facing the world around me.

This breakup feels different from any other I’ve been through. In my past relationships, I never thought about a future with them the way I did with her. With her, I truly believed we would be together forever. The pain I’m feeling now feels unique, tied to the loss of that dream and the shock of how it all ended. This is a pain I haven’t experienced before, and it's hard to know how to move on from it.

Overall, I’m stuck between trying to heal and still grappling with the weight of the betrayal, but the pain feels deep, unique, and hard to let go of.