Strange Grief

So I come from an Asian family and my great grandma passed away this week and it’s been a complex situation 

she was the matriarch of my whole family like we all gathered specifically for her but now that she’s gone there’s no “excuse” to see each other

i am sad she is gone but as I’ve grown up I’ve noticed the generational trauma my parents have that really affected my childhood which has made me honestly a little bit bitter and I kinda feel grief for that in itself but also I worry that my parents have sort of painted this villainous picture of some aspects or individuals in my family (tho they deny it now)

im not really sure how to think or feel anymore but I managed to cry about it which is a step but my parents have been a very confusing sweet and sour since the news through the funeral and everything… I got more hugs in a weekend than a year from them but then they’d also snap at me later 

I think I’m just sad and confused or sm but thanks for allowing my mini rant and congratulations if you could understand what I’m saying 😄