Making yourself a Priority

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@VerseArt

Hi! This was a thought-provoking post. Self-love certainly is a two-sided blade, as is loving others. Striking a balance for every individual is key, but realistically, finding that balance perfectly is very difficult to do. That being said, love, both for oneself and for others, is necessary.

How do you make sure that you are your top priority?

I keep myself as safe and prepared as possible. I still live with my family, and our relationship is...complicated. Everyone likes to pretend that we're healthy and normal, but that's really not the case behind closed doors. While I am unable to leave for the meantime, I have been picking up on their behavior and become more aware of spotting increasing signs of agitation within the family members. As such, I'm getting better at knowing when it's appropriate for me to "exit stage left" or, in the case where I cannot excuse myself, "play dead". I also have been wearing clothes that have more pockets as of lately to be able to store items such as my phone and some snacks; my phone can be used for instant contact of backup, whereas the snacks can be used for if I need to stay away from my family while still making sure that I don't go hungry.

In short, keeping myself alive and safe is how I make myself my top priority.

Thanks for the discussion!

Question: How do you make sure that you are your top priority?

This is an interesting point to think about, as well as a difficult one. I'm a jobless migrant, so I really need to find a job soon (within a certain period of time) otherwise I'll be deported, which would be an even bigger problem because it's troublesome and the voyage may increase virus-infection risk. However, I also need time to take a break from job hunting in order to relax, do some physical exercise, and grab a healthy meal.

It really isn't easy to balance these two. For me, both can show that I make myself a top priority: job hunting means potentially saving myself from the risk of deportation and it reflects a self-love (because I know what I need to survive and do practice it), and taking a break from it is an even more direct act of taking care of myself as it allows me unwind from stress and facing computer all day long.

Therefore, I have to say that currently, making sure that I am my top priority means being able to balance job hunting and relaxation time (including getting enough sleep). The question proposed for discussion in this forum today makes me think how I can achieve this, and I'd like to thank the Positivity and Gratitude Team for it. Maybe I can start scheduling my activities in a more detailed way.

@VerseArt Amazing post! I agree with ya. ❤ We have to love ourself first if we want to love others 🙃

@VerseArt

I love this post so much, it really helped me realize a lot of things. thanks for making it!

Question: How do you make sure that you are your top priority?

I make sure that I am my priority by saying 'no' to others when necessary. At times I can let people just take whatever they want from me just because of my inability to refuse. But it's essential to realize my own boundaries and limitations, also knowing that it's not a fault of mine to not be able to meet someone's expectations from time to time. I make sure that I have the music I need and the time to just let myself be. Slowly, I am trying to reduce the time I am present in people's lives out of concern for myself, at first it felt selfish but the more I prolong it, the more it seems to really get to me.

So, it's fair to say that I am still struggling with this but for now, I am much more open to try and make myself a priority again.

(please excuse the following text, I am unable to remove it)

I heard an interesting pov on self love vs selfish - if we don't take care and love ourselves, we don't have the capacity to care for others. So, it's not selfish to care for ourselves. eg if I'm too tired all the time, I don't have the energy to care for others, let alone myself.

Another way to think about it is - am I doing things that cause harm to others? If not, then generally it should be ok. It's selfish if the person's actions are harming or taking advantage of other people. But I think generally self love is coming from a place of taking care of ourselves and taking care of our needs. I don't think that's selfish.

@VerseArt

Thank you for bringing up such a profound and relevant subject !

Answering the main question, I suppose I am high priority to me because a lot of my thinking goes into what should I do to improve as a person, stay healthier and feel better.

Also, many things I do for others have a "self-oriented" dimension to them, in that I feel I do something meaningful, so they make me feel valuable, and thus, better.

The most widespread example of a healthy "selfish altruism" would be (good) parents, that get joy out of everything they do for their children.

The same in a couple, a friendship, or volunteering to help others, like volunteers at 7 Cups (closest example).

But even the most selfless and altruistic approach to life requires becoming effective as an instrument of good. And this in turn involves taking care of yourself, improving as much as possible in all areas: health, intellectual, spiritual, etc.

For example, to be the best parent you can, you need to be a calm, happy person, that conveys tranquillity, a feeling of basic safety, and enthusiasm and joy for life. With the physical energy to carry out the myriad of things necessary to raise a child from newborn to young adult. You need some relevant knowledge, psychological, medical, etc. And some spiritual basis that allows you to convey a sense of meaning, that there is a lot more to life than buying gadgets and watching Netflix.

All of these require taking good care of yourself, striving to improve as a person, and finding joy and meaning in your own life.

You can't give what you don't have.

At a macro-societal / political level, it reminds me of a concept I like very, very much, of "self-interest rightly understood" devised by Alexis de Tocqueville while explaining the nature of the US to his French compatriots in "Democracy in America" (1835, amazing book !). He said that, in contrast to the loudly alleged patriotism and altruism of his compatriots "The Americans are fond of explaining almost all the actions of their lives by the principle of interest rightly understood; they show with complacency how an enlightened regard for themselves constantly prompts them to assist each other, and inclines them willingly to sacrifice a portion of their time and property to the welfare of the state."

I also love the idea of an "expanded self", that by taking care of your family and your community, you are taking care of yourself.

And that, to become an effective contributor, to give the best you can to others, you need first to take care of your own body and mind.

There is no contradiction.

Finally, what you understand as the "good in itself", if growing and strengthening your soul, or serving others, where you feel is the "center of gravity" of this virtuous cycle, depends on your beliefs and values.

But in terms of concrete behaviors, an "enlightened selfishness" person, and a "selfless altruistic" one, should be indistinguishable.

I think...

Thank you again for bringing up this discussion !

All the best !

Marcelo