My journey to self love

Everyone knows about the emotional leave I took to dedicate myself to my relationships for the past few months and I’m excited to say that I have returned for a while. I have news to share. With this news, I hope it brings you all hope.

I was involved in two relationships during the time I took away from 7 cups, both over now. Gavin was the first, and David was the second. I wasn’t happy in the first one, and I wasn’t ready for the next. It had only been a week since the breakup when David took interest in me. I had only broken up with Gavin a week before, why was he making a move so fast? To simplify the story, I caught feelings. He had liked me since band camp in July. We were together for two months, very happy together, planning dates for the new year for when my mom would allow us to go places together. My mother really liked his family. Our morals are in line of each other, they’re very kind, and caring. Families aside, we were perfect together. I was his dream girl. He was my dream guy.

Until one day, David woke up without feelings. With these lost feelings, he texted me on snap and said, “I’ve been thinking about it up, it’s stressing me out so we done.” Obviously, it was sudden. It was three days after school had let out for holiday break and 2 days before Christmas. I later found out he asked a friend how he should breakup with me. I was angry, embarrassed, and confused.

I called for hours. After 4 hours of calls he ignored, he blocked me. I asked why on snap. He said I called too much. When he finally answered, I was angry. I was yelling, “Why would you ignore me like that?” “Why did you decide you don’t love me anymore?” Just a few days before that, we had a mini date on the way to school and laid in each other’s arms in my sister’s car. We had been saying I love you to each other(he said it the first day we got together). I was so lost and confused, for I loved him with all my heart.

I let things cool down and texted him. He said we’d never get back together. It broke me. I started to go through the grieving process. Fast forward to school, he became friends with Gavin, who I was forced to move on from. I found out that I hadn’t moved on from Gavin the way I should have, and since David liked me, I couldn’t even say no when he asked me to be his girlfriend. He called us a couple before I could interject to people who asked. When I knew it was officially over, I was dealing with two breakups at the same time. I  found out that David had only become friends with Gavin because he wanted to talk bad about me. David said I only dated him to make Gavin jealous and said that I never loved him. Both wasn’t true. I said before, “you’ll make all my exes jealous, David.” And he went along with it. He also downed Gavin and the way he dressed, he said his parents still dress him, all those things. 

One day when I was on my way to lunch, I tried talking to David. He laughed in my teary-eyed face, he avoided eye contact and he ran away. Literally. I was angry at that point. I had sent Gavin a text and was going to tell him, but I couldn’t find him. So I asked a  friend to tell him, and he said I’d have to tell him myself. So Gavin and I talked, and I told him everything. I explained that it looked like I was trying to spite him, but that wasn’t the case. I also expressed how I’m not trying to get back with him and he agreed. I didn’t feel right texting him being involved with David, and he understood. I told him how David called us a couple before I could say anything and my inability to say no was something that weakened me. I was a little bothered when he told me to be careful next time, but that’s not really what bothers me. Before David, I had asked Gavin for closure. Gavin said he was going to give it to me, but didn’t see any point in it when he saw David all over me. He used those words to describe it. It’s safe to say they aren’t friends anymore after I called David out on his bullfish. 

Now that school is officially started, everyone knows how he gaslit me into thinking that my yelling at him for my emotions after his mistake caused the breakup. They also know he broke up over text on snap. 

I’m still going through the grief of the loss I had because I had loved him with all my heart. His reaction to me trying to talk to him was all the proof I needed. I’ve found closure now, and I’m happy with my life. I have friends, I have a support system. I now realize that my prioritizing relationships over friends is what stopped me from having friends.

I’ve made a lot of healthy releases from life, cut toxic people out. I now know that I can be the bigger person and find real joy for myself, and not take it from others like David did.

I understand myself 100% and I know how to say no to things I don't want to be a part of. Now that I know myself, I can understand other people better. I’m now enrolled in leadership training and I am determined to become section leader in marching band for next season.

If you’ve read this far, thank you so much for being here. If you have any questions, just ask.

I love you all. 

-Embers