Sharing My new personal Diary - 28-29 Sep

(context- I am a 26 years old male, unoccupied atm, i have many friends and i have a good relationship with my family, english isnt my native language so i am sorry for bad grammar )

28 Sep

anime name: Days With My Setsister

This anime, it inspired me to write down my feelings.

(I started tearing up as i write that.)

Something is wrong , doesn't feel right, i never felt this way.

Im writing this the day after , its the 29 .Sep today.

I have been watching many romance animes lately, and i cried during them, some sad parts where i would get emotional.

But for some reason i started crying randomly when i think about those feelings, while not even watching anime or when doing random tasks .

Last night i was watching this anime, i could not stop watching even tho it was already 2am I wanted to get to the end and see the happy end so bad, when i finished this anime, i went to bed and started crying uncontrollably, all i could think if is "stop! why are you *** crying, what is wrong with you".

this anime .. It had such an unsatisfying ending.

I wanted it to have a happier ending to give me some comfort, maybe it could ease those feelings that make me cry.

(i am crying now as i am writing this .. again)

29 Sep

it was so hard to fall asleep last night, i think it was 4AM

I woke up early but i got out of bed at 12:30

I think i know what is wrong with me but I’m not sure.

I think i am lonely, after watching those romance anime’s , i long to love and be loved by a woman, family and friends can only subdue that feeling, but i think it only makes things worse.

It is Sunday, it has been 5 days since my interview at PROMAI , i have not heard from them yet.

It makes me very stressed.

Mom seemed to be in a happy mood this morning , ate breakfast with her and headed into my room.

I tried to study but it was too hard, didn’t feel motivated to study, or play , or even start a new anime.

I also almost started crying next to mom today , i tried to suppress it but i couldn’t so i went to my room so she wont see me.

And then i downloaded this app (Diary app), now I’m trying to figure out what to write and how to write my feelings here, maybe it will make me feel better, or help me understand what i should do.

It is always easy for me to give advice for friends in need, maybe reading my diary would help me see this from an outsiders view.

its kinda funny but mostly embarrassing... writing a diary, i never though i would do such a thing, on the other hand i never though i would be crying uncontrollably for no real apparent reason.

Friend R.`s flight was cancelled, he was supposed to fly to (C) for a meeting regarding the future of the company i last worked at.

Friend M.`s flight was also cancelled so he is invited me to go train with him, i declined , i said i dont feel well , but the truth is i dont want to uncontrollably start crying next to him .

I Feel Bad For Declining (now i am crying again)

I want to try and meet a woman, if being lonely is the reason for the way i am right now... there is no other way.

but... she wont appear Infront of me from thin air , But i am tired of dating apps , they dont work out for me, or maybe i didn't try hard enough.

i also don't feel like going outside ... can i meet someone to fall in-love with from home.?

Maybe a game , or a community... ohh the wishful thinking again

I wonder .... if I can be so lucky

I wonder if there is a place i can share my thoughts anonymously, but why would i want to do that...?

i guess i am looking for attention... , but am i really looking for attention or am i just searching for someone to give me an answer.

I feel pain in my throat as if im choking, i also feel pain in my heart, my heart feels heavy and cold and at the same time it feels as if my heart isnt there, it feels like an empty hole.

when i am in bed hug my pillow close to my chest, it gives me chest some comfort and warmth.

ahhhh i feel stupid ... not wanting to meet up with people nor talking to those close to me, but wanting attention....... stupid , weird , pathetic ,frustrating

I feel so out of place, so uncomfortable

i am so frustrated with myself .

I hope i can go back to normal, not thinking of love , knowing when the right time comes i will meet the one .

... those romance animes... they are not good for me right now

its only the middle of the day, i hope i can study a little , to make this day somewhat productive.

writing this all down seems to help a little even tho i am still not sure if i am lonely or something else.

but my mind cleared a little

I hope i will keep writing in this diary, seems like a nice hobby for now

i asked chatGPT for a place i can share those feelings,

wait .. did i even get my feelings across ?? i never did such a thing before. writing is weird ..

i signed up to a website called 7cups i will try it out.

it also suggested reddit 

I might be back with diary entry for days 30-1 Sep-Oct