I'm lost in life, scared, struggle to move on and find my purpose

I’m really struggling to move on from my ex-boyfriend. We broke up three months ago, and he said it was more about him than me. We were in a long-distance relationship and couldn’t find a place to live in either of our cities. I live with my parents, and he witnessed many arguments here, which contributed to his emotional distancing. I even tried to find a job in his country, but I only received rejections.

After the breakup, we had occasional contact because he said my healing was important to him and that he still wanted to be there for me. I ended up calling him three times to talk, as I couldn’t manage to keep "no contact." I checked my phone every day, hoping he would message me. I always feel the need to know what he’s doing, where he is, and with whom, which gives me no peace. He was the perfect man for me, both in appearance and personality. He has a heart of gold, always listened to me, gave me advice and was incredibly respectful. We traveled so much together, and he treated me like a queen during our relationship. He was always considerate and wise, which makes it even harder for me to understand and let him go.

After the breakup, he told me he felt relieved and that his mental health had improved, which completely breaks me inside. I shared everything with him, trusted him with all my secrets, and he knows me better than anyone. How can I let go of someone like that?

What makes it even harder is that I’m constantly checking social media to find out what he’s doing. He’s made his accounts private, but I still find ways to see what’s going on, which only hurts me more. Last week, I found out that he went on a party trip with 15 guys and I saw stories showing that they were out partying and brought girls home. That shattered me, especially because after the breakup he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship anytime soon but then said maybe later, which leaves me heartbreaked. Whenever I’ve brought up the idea of him coming back to me, he’s just said "maybe, but maybe not," which leaves me in limbo.

I’m so scared that he’ll never come back, and it’s eating me alive. I still love him so much and think he’s the best person I could ever be with.

Before we broke up, we had booked a group trip together and after a lot of back and forth, we decided to go. That was three weeks ago and the trip gave me hope for us again. But he said he was only being kind out of pity because it broke his heart to see me suffering. He keeps telling me how amazing I am and that I should remember that, but he insists he needs to go his own way alone now. This has been so hard for me, especially because he didn’t promise that we might be together again once he has figured his life out.

On this trip, he tried to talk to as few women as possible out of respect for me, unlike the other guys. But I could see how many women were looking at him, flirting with him, and giving him compliments, which broke my heart. I just don’t know how to cope with all of this.

Since last year, I finished school in business administration and was unemployed until April 2024 because I couldn’t find anything that matched my interests. Then I started a remote job in April, which I gave up immediately because it was very draining and didnt match with my interests. Since July 2024, I’ve been unemployed again and desperately need a job. I keep delaying everything because I have too many ideas and can’t commit to one. I’ve thought about studying again, but I don’t know what to study. I’d like to move abroad but don’t know what to do there either. I’d love to act because I’m good at it, and everyone tells me I have talent, but I don’t know how and where. I’m interested in too many things. I’m also interested in police investigative work. I’m quick, clever, creative, funny, empathetic, and dynamic. I just don’t know what to do with my life, and I’m already 25.

On top of that, I’ve been trying to be make money on tik tok and *** but my videos don’t go viral, and I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong. I’m still living with my parents and don’t know where to go or what to do next.

Lastly, I really want to reconnect with God but don’t know how to do it. I would really appreciate any advice or experiences anyone has to share. Thank you so much for listening.