congnitive dissonance, confesssional

According to merriam-webster.com, Cognitive Dissonance is:

?psychological conflict resulting from incongruous beliefs and attitudes held simultaneously?

This is me. I like to think I?m a good & rational agent. I like to think I have more virtues than vices. I like to think that my outside actions are aligned with my inner psyche.

But I?m not. I?m actually a shitty person. The things I do occasionally are antagonistic to what I believe. Its sort of like I?m living a lie.

Now, we all behave in public and have our mishaps in private. That is a fact. We?re all flawed, that?s part and parcel of being human. But Cognitive Dissonance is a strong (sometimes lingering) feeling. It doesn?t happen when you don?t like chocolate but happen to be enjoying a cone of chocalate ice cream.

Big things cause it. Things that matter. Things that shape who you are. Things that you believe which shape who you are and what you do. Oftentimes, what I?m doing isn?t what my gut says I should be doing. Or vice versa.

Again, this happens all the time to people because we are not perfect beings but I (subjectively) feel its happening a lot to me lately. I don?t think its because my inner beliefs are too hard to achieve, no. I?m just failing to reach that potential, over and over again.

I subscribe to this notion called ?romantic realism?, an idea that you make out life to be more interesting than it really is. I can apply it to things outside of myself & external events. But I?m very pessimistic in views of myself now.

I think we all know how frustrating it is, the feeling that you know you?re better than this. You know you can do so much better. Its so within reach but for some reason you just always fall short.

I guess you could say I lack integrity as the saying goes ?Integrity is who you are when no one is watching?. I think I might be totally unrecognisable in private than in public. I mean, its the same face, the same hair, the same clothes but a different person. A shitty person.

Its just a rant. Its all over the place and probably made no sense but that is exactly what the internet is for.

p.s. you know how random ads just appear on the sides? One such ad was for a personality quiz and guess who is a sociopath now?

(note: sociopath and psychopath are NOT the same. And it was just a freaking online quiz that someone probably made just because they could)