Feels Like I'm Going Crazy

Hey everyone! I hope you are all having a wonderful day!

I, personally, am having a rough one. I don't know what to do! I feel like I am going absolutely insane trying to heal myself and make myself better! I want it SO bad. . but I don't know where to start anymore, there are several different areas that need A LOT of work. . My work is suffering, my home is suffering, and its about to cost me my relationship as well. I am unfortunately very self aware; I say unfortunately because it is both a blessing and a curse when you do not have enough self control to be able to stop yourself from doing/saying the dumb stuff! Actually seen a meme the other day that described it perfectly, its like "I am an eye witness to my own crimes".

S/O and I both agree we do not want me back on meds as it turns me into an "emotional vegetable", but so far, this ride without them has turned me into an emotional mess on steroids. . I don't know how to deal with full strength emotions. I know I need some form of CBT, legitimately necessary. 

Here's the kicker, ADHD makes it extremely difficult to remember in person meetings for therapy and I do not like going to agencies due to how often they cycle therapists through causing me to re-start therapy with a new person time after time. Most online therapists are not accepted by my insurance and the ones that are, I'm still left with a decent co-pay and right now my budget is extremely tight. 

I am so tired of feeling like this . . . I want joy, contentment, meaningful relationships and not destroy them. . I want to live! I'm just so tired of surviving. . .