Tired of Being So Unsatisfied

I don't even know what I am doing with my life or what I am. I am trying to be as independent as I can be, but god, it gets so hard sometimes. I am a person with many masks; I do not like to let people know that I am feeling very anxious or sad. I am getting tired of just hoping for the future to be more bright than whatever the now is supposed to be. I try and try to convince myself to battle the negativity within me, because I know the positive effect it will have in the long run. It all gets so old after a while, hoping and hoping...but what do you do when you feel like you don't have strength and you just want a lending hand, heart, anything...I have been working for nearly 10-11 months now and most people my age and where I'm from don't even have jobs. I feel pathetic for not being able to ever feel like "hey, everything seems to be fine and everything will be okay in the future." I'm just tired. I am unmotivated, but I am still attempting to find that small ray of whatever to get off my ass and make something of myself. Life is supposed to not be a smooth road, I guess, well obviously. I just don't know what to look for in life to search for that peaceful equilibrium anymore. I have such a routine of a life and school is shit. Sorry for my language, but it really is; It's dumb that adults have not realized how flawed the education system age and I don't really do much there since I think most of it is such a joke. I just wish I was never here. I honestly just don't think that life is as beautiful as people perceive it to be. I do find beauty among me; Certain people, nature...but to have this vacancy in my heart and the amount of absence of peace within me is not worth being born for, if that makes any sense. I don't know what to do anymore, and it's so fucking frustrating. I just want to be thirty and hope that by then I'll have my shit together, because right now, I clearly am not.