Don't want to help myself

I do, but I think I'm scared to seek help, scared to be told by someone else that there's something wrong with me. Because that makes it too real. Whenever I've harmed myself (I've been about a month clean) I used to find myself running my hands over the cuts and generally enjoying the way they looked and felt, even though I shouldn't.

I think, in addition to what helpfulhickory said about being afraid, it's also about what you think you yourself do or do not deserve. I usually ignore helpful suggestions because I don't think that I deserve to feel happy. I always feel like there's a reason that I feel so depressed, and that it's punishment for something I must have done. I'm also afraid that feeling better will be only temporary - it really sucks to think that you're finally improving, and then all of a sudden you're in a downward spiral again.

So, yeah, you're definitely not alone in this...

You're not alone, I've also experienced this. I relate to this a lot. When I'm feeling depressed, I just make it even worse for myself and these thoughts in my head just add up to bringing myself down. It's like I'm afraid to be happy because I know it doesn't last at all so why bother? I feel like I don't deserve to be happy and when I am, I crawl back towards the darkness because I can't help myself. Like emotionally I'm self inflicting pain upon myself? It sucks and I really don't want to be this way.

It's completely normal for depression, it's just a case of forcing yourself to do it, it's extremely hard, I was the same until I realised how much of an impact my depression was having on my kids and forced my self to seek help, I'm still struggling with depression but after seeing that it does work that's what helps me pish to do it