weekend observations

Last week, I took a water color painting class. It was a difficult class. It's my second week touching water coloring. The teacher taught us dry brushing on a rocky/hilly waterfall. It was hard and I ended up crying in class then got better and redid the painting with a half sheet paper instead of full sheet of paper.

This weekend, I went out with my bf's friends so I can hangout with my bf and I ended up crying because I absolutely hate group social dynamics mixed with meals. Absolutely detest those because people's words/actions are so *** confusing and that's confusing and joining is even more difficult cuz everything is wrong. Anyways, I think I'll opt out in eating with others cuz I prefer eating by myself. I'll just join after the meal next time.

It's a lesser degree of stress when I eat with my gf's, but I also do get stressed out too, but it's more feasible cuz it's easy to get chummy with girls and talk about ourselves and not necessarily have everything so *** confusing.

Anyways...I digress, but I'm observing is the second week I've cried on a weekend. Is it mania and anxiety or idk.

Also, I actually tried this time to set up time to hangout with my bf. I brought it up. Usually I am the one rsvp to his invitations. But, since he's been so busy, I wanted to see if we can get some time for me to see him (as usually I'm home doing nothing but relaxing solo stuff). AND IT DIDN'T WORK OUT. I guess It's always an issue - eating out with him and his friends. I hate it. I hate eating with people. It's the dance. They talk. They bring something up. Then relate it to the current group. And it's so hard to keep up. My mind is like a merry go round and I have no idea how to talk and also eat at the same time. it's super anxiety provoking. 

Anyways, my bf and I don't do much together anymore cuz I don't go out to eat with him. So Idk, it's laughable that we're actually not spending time together, when doing so would keep us together. Like tackling problems when we're socializing eating or shopping outside. We don't have problems to tackle at home. So, home is boring for both of us.

If it's just my gf's I love it. Shopping, w/e etc. With him, it kind of revolves around eating. For me love to be in libraries and do pikmin. IDK. lol it's always when I'm in a crisis I wonder I don't really have a USE for any person, which means it includes my BF. Like why do I have him around when I don't need him. I don't need people. I prefer solitude in a busy place. I also don't NEED xyz. So, I wonder what makes my bf different than that? What makes him different that I choose him or like him? What use does he have in my life/lifestyle? IDK. Anyways w/e. That's always a question that come up every now and then. 

I wonder what is a dream couple life. I don't really dream about that. I just have hobbies and girl friends and sister and family.