Why Do I have a Hard time with physical touch and compliments?
Hi, so I have questions and I don't know the answer everything I find so far doesn't quite capture my question so I want to write it out and maybe see if someone could help me figure it out.
So, I have a really hard time physically touching someone and receiving compliments. Like, in terms of physical touch, I do like it, but it can actually feel so nice that it can hurt, even things like hugs, kisses, and things like that. It feels like almost an overstimulation problem but I haven't ever had these problems in the past I have no sensitivity to light, sound, or literally anything else touching me. I have been in a combat sport for most of my life and when people hit me or are just pushing or playing it doesn't impact me one way or another. But when people physically touch me in a way that feels nice (and not in even an explicit way, like hand holding, hugs, etc) it feels very nice and is EXTREMELY foreign and will actually start to hurt and make me physically start crying. I feel awful because I cannot explain to others that it isn't anything they are doing wrong and that yes it does feel fine/nice but at the same time, there is a duality where it will start to hurt a lot ( I think emotional pain? it is so intense that it feels like the area actually starts hurting). I will say that I have never been in a romantic relationship of any kind, and for large portions of my life would have extremely limited contact with people outside my family (and another note, this issue does not happen with anyone in my family) this problem has only recently been brought to my attention as I am now in University and have started talking and interacting with new friends and people all the time.
On a similar note, I have the same problem with compliments and things like that. If people do nice things for me or say nice things about me, my first reaction is to completely deflect (which I don't feel is actually uncommon) but if they do not immediately stop it can actually make me feel like I am in physical pain, like I want to take a knife down through my stomach open it up, and just give them my insides because I literally want to get the pain out and I have nothing else to offer them. This doesn't have to be big things, like when people have bought me cups of tea or something and I cannot immediately pay them back (I do have one friend who has unintentionally really helped me with this because she will say things like 'I'll let you get the next one' which even if it isn't true, makes the pain go away a lot easier). But it's the same kind of pain.
I don't know what is wrong with me, but I know if I start crying every time someone is nice to me/ or has a positive physical interaction with me, they will start to get tired of dealing with that reaction whether it is intentional or not. I wouldn't blame them either, I get tired of being that person and I'm the one that's causing it/in pain.
Has anyone else dealt with this? What is going on? does anyone have any kind of scientific research that would help me to better understand myself on this front? Thank you in advance to anyone reading/ feedback
@katiePaige
I had the same thing about compliments and touching like hand holding etc ... felt foreign and weird.
I realized we did not have that in family not the hugging people etc....but so many are.... i realized it was rude of me to act like a stiff board and not reciprocate a hug and genuine gesture
it was hard but i gradually just let go of thinking about anything but returning the gesture...while doing it have and hugs from friend and co-workers and no longer feels weird... for the most part lol
The compliment thing is something we can also slowly learn to be gracious at wish i was taught at a younger age... when someone compliments me ... i stop the words from coming out that would be deflecting and depreciating and even if you do not believe that is a great color on you or your hair looks great today or whatever it is just thank them and see it is sometimes hard for others to say things and when we deflect and items it can make them less likely to compliment others as well ....
https://hbr.org/2021/04/do-compliments-make-you-cringe-heres-why
If receiving a compliment makes you uncomfortable, you aren’t alone. Around 70% of people in a survey associated feelings of embarrassment and discomfort with praise. Why do we feel this way?
- It starts with surprise. Our body’s physiological responses to an unexpected event follow a predictable pattern. We momentarily freeze, try to find an explanation for what is happening, shift our perspective, and share our experience with others.
- Often, it is hard to reconcile others’ positive views of us with our own negative views of ourselves. This interplay of surprise and self-image can make it harder to process the nice things we hear about ourselves.
- While it’s hard to change our conditioned responses overnight, here are three ways to help transform our relationship with praise: 1) Know it’s about the giver, not you (the receiver) 2) Reframe vulnerability as openness 3) Recognize your learned behaviors.close
